Tinder Tami Taylor Style

So it's no secret around here that I'm basically over dating.  So one day I decided to talk to guys on Tinder using only Tami Taylor quotes from Friday Night Lights, the TV series not the movie, because I love both & why not.  I had originally planned on showing various conversations with different guys but then this one guy just kept going with it because quite honestly I'm pretty sure he had 0 idea what was going on & did not care.  Also, forgot to blur out his name & pictures... my bad...  I finally got bored with him & wanted to go to bed so I "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. Texas forever"-ed my way out & unmatched with him.

Disasters In Dating Vol. 3

It's been a couple of months since I last shared some of my disasters in dating.  I actually gave up on dating for awhile so this is pretty much just the awful messages & WTF pictures that I've come across while online dating.  I currently have 5 apps on my phone: Plenty of Fish, Tinder, OkCupid, Match, & Bumble.  I'm pretty new to Bumble but it's sort of like Tinder except for that only girls can message first & each party has 24 hours to respond before the match disappears.  I was on Eharmony a long time ago but I hated it.  In the whatever number of months subscription I had...3?  6?  I don't remember.  I didn't meet/come across a single person I connected with.  Anyway, onto the good stuff.

This guy looked vaguely familiar when I matched with him on Bumble.  And, then he used the gay guys bought me drinks line & I thought ok this really seems familiar.  And then he asked me if I would have saved him & I was like I KNEW HE SEEMED FAMILIAR.  I don't remember if it was Tinder or POF but I had talked to this guy MONTHS ago. A)get a new story B)get a way better story

No thank you.

Well aren't we the presumptuous one...

That escalated quickly...

Yes because that's who I would like to father my children someday...a man with a "your throat here" tattoo... 

Why is this ok?  Very few guys say this shit in real life so why is it ok online?

This weirdo kept talking about his mom's thong bikini.  I got a very Bates Motel vibe.

Disasters in Dating Vol. 1

So I got this gem of a message not once, but twice, in addition to like 3 other messages from the same guy...none of which resulted in a response...

"You are tired of all the shallow comments and cheesy pick up lines. You want a REAL Man; one that will take you by the hand and lead you as a partner in life. You will bear children him and he will work to provide for you and the family. You are not a shallow little girl who still blindly follows feminist lies. You know that it is your duty as a woman to bear children to a good man and you find your happiness and fulfillment in being a mother to your children and you are reminded of this fact every month. You want to raise your children to be good men and women. You are sick of society telling you what to do, how to think, what to buy, and you live outside commercial brainwashing telling you to have sex with random guys in the hook up culture. You don’t buy into that.

And neither do I. I am a real man.

Please do not respond if you are still a child. I seek a REAL woman.

That is all"

No thank you...

Can you really still be a sugar daddy if you're years younger than me? 

No you may not.

Sorry but the 3rd time is not the charm.

That's not how this works...

Disaster Date #1

I'm going to preface this by saying I am not high maintenance at all. I don't require fancy dates or to be wined & dined all the time. In fact, I prefer the more laid back type dates. However, there is a line between laid back & little to no effort.

So the guy picks me up at my house, which I know is the way it should be or whatever but I don't particularly like it on a first date because I'm at their mercy (control freak over here!) Anyway, so he picks me up & he decides we're going to go out for burgers. Awesome, I fucking love burgers. In N Out. That's where we went... First of all, I don't even really like that place. Second of all, fast food? Really? On a first date? Ok whatever I'll look past it. Then we go to Main Event, ok that's actually a fun idea. Except by the time we get there I'm already so over the date because he won't. stop. touching me. Not in a I want to get in your pants way but in a I don't even know how to describe it I'm cringing just thinking about it kind of way. In a babying way?? Like he'd take 2 fingers & kind of grab/tickle/pinch/whatever my arm & talk to me in almost a little kid way when he'd do it. AND he'd try to wipe imaginary hair out of my face. I'm out dude. I'm so out. Either he got the hint or he also wasn't feeling it because I didn't hear from him again after he dropped me off.

**Ok so I then went on another date...and it wasn't a disaster...and it actually turned into another date sooo we'll see if this series continues or not. Let's pray that it doesn't.**

Adventures In Online Dating: It's Not Okay

Back in November of 2013 I started a series called "Adventures in Online Dating"

I talked about Mr. Backwards Hurley Hat

I talked about Mr. All Wrong (if you want to read about the worst/most hilarious date ever...here it is)

I talked about Mr. Too Far Away

I talked about the ridiculous things guys say

I then took a 6 month break before I talked about things that will get you a hard pass

And now here we are over a year after that last post & I'm online dating again.  Since that last post I found out about Mr. Fireman having more than one girlfriend, met CJ & broke up with CJ, met Oklahoma & let Oklahoma go.

I wasn't going to start online dating again until possibly November & then was going to do it the paid way.  I decided to hell with it & that I was going to do it the free way (Tinder, OkCupid, & Plenty Of Fish) until November & then I'd either do pay sites, quit online dating, or be with someone.

I have been back at it for a week now & here are some of the things that have made me once again question why I even bother.

Tinder Boy Blake starts talking to me, asks for my number, asks if I'm free at all during the weekend, doesn't really talk to me any more after that but continues to put "moments" on Tinder saying he wants someone to hang out with, or go fishing with, or talk with... well buddy maybe follow through on a date & you wouldn't have that problem #ByeFelicia

ChiTownFire starts talking to me & is all normal until all of a sudden he whips out "do you like dominant men?"... You don't even know my real name yet bucko #NotTodayMr

PecanFlyBoy (well man technically cause he was in his 50s...yes so is my father *pukes a little*) "You are so very cute & sexy.  Naughty or nice?"

Now I almost just didn't respond but then saw that he had kids & had to ask: "Do you happen to have a daughter?"  I was so hoping he would say yes so I could lay into him a little but he said no.  #Block

ThomasJeffery starts his conversation with "I have to inform you that there are no decent men left on here because I've killed them all with my bare hands. Basically this means I'm your only option.
You may as well give me your number, and we'll discuss marriage plans over a few beverages!" which actually led me to his profile where I learned he's actually a douchey bro & not just humorous.

To

Adventures In Online Dating: Next!

I was talking to Kickass Cousin the other day about guys that don't stand a chance & the annoying things they do.  This would pertain to the real world too if I ever actually met guys not online but as of now I'm doing the online dating thing...sort of.  I haven't actually been on a date since Airplane Boy.  Anyway, things that guarantee an automatic "NEXT!"

1. Gym Selfies

2. Flat billed caps...especially if the sticker is still on.

3. Grown men who use "r" & "u" instead of "are" & "you"

4. Grown men who use "wyd" or "wrud" instead of asking me what I'm doing with real words.

4. Only having group photos

5. Saying "Hey (beautiful, gorgeous, babe, baby, hun, darlin, etc)" when we've never even met.

6. Guys who can't get more creative than saying "hi" in the first message.

7. Any type of hand gestures in their pictures.  Including, but not limited to: peace signs, rock on, the middle finger.

8. Pictures that they aren't in...this includes what their vehicle looks like, their pet(s) look like, things they have killed.

9. When their bio says either "just ask" or "I'm laid back & like to have fun"

10. Pictures with other girls that CLEARLY aren't their sister but they try to pass off as their sister.

Adventures in Online Dating: Why Would You Say That

I haven't been on a date since Mr. All Wrong.  There was Mr. Too Far Away & another guy who isn't even worth writing about because he's blown too many chances.  Other than that there hasn't been any real contenders.  I've hung out with Mr. Fireman & we potentially have a date on Saturday depending on if he gets called into work only not... but I still wanted to post about online dating so here are just a few of some messages that I've received from guys that definitely made me say WTF?! And why do I do this?!

"I like your profile, can I print it and post it on my refrigerator"

"How about slow dancing,  long kisses, and a deep ****ing :p"

"I wish you were my pinkie toe, so I could bang you on all of the furniture in my house."

"You would look amazing in some shiny black leggings, you are sure goddess!"

"Are you an archeologist? Because I have a big bone for you to discover."

"Could you suck my dick. I need the emotional attachment."

And then there was the 61 year old who asked me if I could look past his age because he wanted to spoil me and hoped that I could give him a son soon...

Adventures in Online Dating: Mr. Too Far Away

I started talking to Mr. Too Far Away without actually realizing how far away he lived until one day he asked if I'd like to get together.  I distinctly remember telling him that we didn't really live anywhere near each other, an hour & a half minimum actually.  A few more days passed & yet he still wanted to set something up, so we did.  I had my doubts because he lived so far away.  I've done the distance thing, on more than one occasion, & it sucks.  It's definitely not how I'd want to start a relationship.  On a Friday night he told me that he'd be picking me up the following day.  He told me that he wasn't going to tell me which one he was picking but wanted my input on the 4 following dates: horseback riding, a corn maze, Main Event (like a big kid Chuck E Cheese), or a drive in.  Based on a little more information that he gave me, the time he'd be picking me up & that I should dress for outside, I narrowed it down to corn maze or horseback riding.  Both of these options had me equally excited.  He called the next day, date day (11/9), to see if I still wanted to do something & to let me know that he would be leaving soon.  He asked me to send him my address so that he could put it in his GPS & be on his way.  I sent it to him & then got in the shower so I could get ready.  I get out of the shower & come back to a text message that said the following: "Bri I'm so sorry but Tomball seems just a little out of my driving rage it's nothing to do with you I put the address in and it's 1 hr and 40 minutes one way"

Was I hurt? Yeah.  I even cried for a couple minutes...probably slightly overkill but it was approaching that time of the month & it was the first date I was actually excited for post- Mr. Fireman.

Was I mad? No.  How could I be?  He was just logically stating what I had already shared with my friends as a fear of mine.  There is no way that we would be seeing each other during the week & even weekends would be iffy because a)he works 60 hour work weeks & b)I'm not about to give up all of my weekends for a guys...

Sure, he probably should've listened to me back when I told him how far apart we lived...he even said that later...but ya live & learn.  I wound up spending my night watching stand up comedy on Netflix while snapchatting 2 friends back home.

Adventures in Online Dating: Mr. All Wrong

I had been talking to Mr. All Wrong online for all of a day before agreeing to go on a date with him the following day (11/2).  I should've known just when trying to plan the date that it wasn't going to work out between the two of us.  He asked me if I wanted to go out for sushi (I hate sushi.)  He then asked me what I would like to eat.  I told him just something casual like wings, pizza, or burgers (He hates Buffalo Wild Wings & bars...because bars are the only places that serve pizza & burgers apparently and Buffalo Wild Wings is the only place you can get wings?)  Whatever.  So I tell him he gets to pick then.  He picks Olive Garden.  He shows up to pick me up & we head off to find Olive Garden (which doesn't exist in my town by the way...)  Before we get into his next set of strikes shall I recap his current strikes?

 

1. Hates Buffalo Wild Wings

2. Hates bars

3. Loves sushi

4. Loves his cat (y'all I don't like cats either)

 

Alright so if this were baseball he'd already be out & the date hasn't even started.

 

On the hunt for Olive Garden I learned something else about him...he's not a fan of small town people.  I'm slightly paraphrasing here but essentially he thinks "they're fucking retarded", they're too close minded, they don't like outsiders, they're inbred, they're too redneck... (Guess what buddy I'm from a town 3x smaller than one you're currently talking about)

 

Strike 5

 

So we decide to get Mexican & on the way there he says, and I quote, "I won't say the N word around you because I know where you work..."  Great so I'm dealing with a racist too...

 

Strike 6

 

He then asked me who I voted for...no...just no... and then proceeds to tell me that he once dropped a girl off before the date even started because of who she voted for because she was so stupid (that girl & I voted for the same person...)

 

Strike 7

 

We get to dinner & I'm so annoyed at this point and know that it's not going anywhere that I'm so bored & conversation sucks...  The worst part?  There was a SUPER cute guy who looked a hell of a lot more like my type sitting at the bar watching football...

 

He complained about his food...REPEATEDLY...and wound up getting it for free.

 

Bitch you're on a first date suck it up...Strike 8 (my food was just fine BTW)

 

Then, because I'm oh so nice instead of telling him I want to go home (he picked me up remember) I agree to an activity.  He suggests bowling (I wasn't wearing socks).  I suggest pool (he doesn't wanna pay for something he's not good at)

 

Strike 9 right there...pool cost what? MAYBE a dollar a round?  Who cares if you suck...so do I...it's just something to do... (If you're keeping track it's now the bottom of the inning...)

 

We finally agree on mini golf...where the ENTIRE time he's either making jokes about the balls touching, poking my in the butt with the golf club, or trying to ask me questions about sex....

 

Strike 10, 11, 12

 

FINALLY mini golf is over...and yet the date is not...

 

He had been playing on his phone off & on most of the time too BTW because his friend was having some birthday thing...

 

Strike 13. 

 

I learned he didn't want to go because he didn't get along with the friend's girlfriend due to the fact that he once inadvertently called her a whore.

 

Strike 14.

 

So he brings me back & says that he told his friends that he'd stop by & say hi.  In my head I'm thanking God & say ok well have fun bye.  Turns out not bye...

 

He apparently told them he'd stop by later so we can still hang out a little longer...GREAT!  I tell him there's nothing to do in my apartment (because at this point my TV has been moved to my bedroom & like hell if I'm bringing that guy into my bedroom...)  So once again I'm awkwardly sitting on the couch with a guy while we independently play on our phones.  I'm texting everyone I know trying to get someone to save me.  Finally my friend calls me & I learned I will never be able to be saved from a date by a phone call...I started laughing right away.  So I walked into my bedroom where I'm on the phone dying of laughter & giving my friend one word answers.

 

When I walk back into the living room Mr. All Wrong says he's gonna go.  THANK YOU GOD!!!  Well unless you wanna go somewhere else & do something or hang out here some more...(pretty sure someone was hoping to get laid)  I was just like actually I'm going to go to bed...

 

We hugged it out & he was gone...FINALLY

 

He text me about an hour later saying "I had a really fun time tonight! Goodnight" I responded with goodnight...

 

He text me "Hi" the next morning...I didn't respond

 

He text me "I get the feeling somehow you don't wanna be more than friends" (Dude I don't even wanna be you're friend...) I say I'm sorry.  Blah blah blah "Well I'll just leave you alone then I'm sorry I wasted your time..."

 

On the Brightside: It wasn't a waste of time because a)now I have an AWESOME horrible date story to tell & b)I'm that much closer to finding the "right" one by weeding out another "wrong" one.

Adventures In Online Dating: Mr. Backwards Hurley Hat

Mr. Backwards Hurley Hat actually got 2 chances...although I'm not entirely sure why.

 

Where was our first date?  Sonic...on a Sunday (10/6).  I had been trying to catch up on TWD before the new season started & he text me to see if I wanted to take a break so we met up at Sonic.  He was nice enough but not really my type & there was no click.  How was he not my type you ask?  Well for starters the guy was wearing a flat billed Hurley hat (I cannot stand flat billed hats...if you're gonna wear a baseball cap bend the damn bill damn it...) & he rolled up in his beloved BMW.  Look drive whatever you want but I don't care about your car...it just came off a little too pretentious "I drive this to fit in at the country club"  Swell...

 

"Date" 2 (10/10) consisted of him coming over to my apartment while I was cleaning out my DVR that following Thursday.  Seriously it sucked.  For starters if you're going to ask me out on a date get a little creative.  Especially if you're the one that is from the area.  Don't tell me you can't think of anything to do...if you can't think of anything to do then don't ask me out on a date...or at least take me to dinner and/or a movie.  However, to my apartment he came... backwards flat billed Hurley hat, matching zip-up hoodie, basketball shorts, pumas, & all... we awkwardly watched Sons of Anarchy & played on our phones for an hour before I was like yeah I'm gonna go to bed because I have to work in the morning...when he left we had like an awkward side hug & I'm fairly certain he wanted to kiss me but I wouldn't look at him so he told me to text him that weekend if I wanted to do something...

 

I never text him again.

Another annoying point about him:  Pretty much the second he walked into my apartment he noticed I had a guitar, walked over to it, took it out of the case, sat on my couch strummed for all of maybe 30 seconds & then struggled to put it away.  Ummm that's mine, you did not ask, & I don't know you well enough for you to not have to ask to touch my stuff...

 

On the Brightside: One new guy out of the way...

Adventures In Online Dating: An Intro

A little background on me for those of you that don't know: I've only ever had 2 boyfriends in my life, 3 if you count the 4 months I dated a kid in 6th grade. 

 

High School Boyfriend & I met when I was 16 through church softball, started dating when I was 17, & officially broke up 5 days before my 22nd birthday.  It was then that I started my "downward spiral" of random hook-ups (really people it wasn't THAT many).  I stayed single for 2 years before going on a single date. 

 

Insert hook-up with High School Boyfriend's friend.

 

Insert hook-up with College Love (seriously I was in love with this guy for most of college despite having an on again/off again boyfriend most of the time)

 

The first real date I went on was with a guy whom we shall call Big Texas because well, that's where we met, a bar called Big Texas.  I was out with some friends when my friend told me I needed to ask this guy to dance...so I did.  We danced the ENTIRE night.  He kissed me & asked me out on a date.  We talked on the phone a couple times for a good hour each time before our date.  However, come date time it was...just not there.  It was a Thursday & we didn't go to dinner until 8 so I had already eaten...we talked & it wasn't terrible...but there was no "click."  Something that I at that point didn't know you could actually tell on a first date...he was the one that told me.

 

Insert hook up with Student Teacher (before y'all freak out...a student teacher...not a student...a guy from MN who was exactly a year younger than me & was doing his "internship" in my district)

 

Insert hook up with Chicago Bears Fan.

Insert hook up with Spring Break Friend.

 

Insert hook up with Stage Five Clinger.

 

I then for some odd reason decided to try online dating again...although I don't know why I decided to at that point because I had just applied all over the country & was leaving Texas for the summer in less than a month.  Enter Mr. Fireman (who you can read about all over this blog...)  He did not meet all of the far too high set criteria I had in my mind & I almost didn't even respond to him.  But I did & a week later we met up when I was out with a friend...and then we went out on a real date...and then another...and another...& then I left for a month before coming back for a week...& then I left for another month before coming back for the school year...and then a month later we broke up.

 

About a month later (October) I put myself back in the ring...if only to try to get over him if nothing else...and that's where we are now...I'm going to share my adventures in online dating with y'all.  I've already been on dates with 2 different guys at this point (11/8) & have a date with another tomorrow so I have some back stories to catch you up on. 

 

Welcome to my new series.