Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Adventures in Online Dating: Mr. All Wrong

I had been talking to Mr. All Wrong online for all of a day before agreeing to go on a date with him the following day (11/2).  I should've known just when trying to plan the date that it wasn't going to work out between the two of us.  He asked me if I wanted to go out for sushi (I hate sushi.)  He then asked me what I would like to eat.  I told him just something casual like wings, pizza, or burgers (He hates Buffalo Wild Wings & bars...because bars are the only places that serve pizza & burgers apparently and Buffalo Wild Wings is the only place you can get wings?)  Whatever.  So I tell him he gets to pick then.  He picks Olive Garden.  He shows up to pick me up & we head off to find Olive Garden (which doesn't exist in my town by the way...)  Before we get into his next set of strikes shall I recap his current strikes?
1. Hates Buffalo Wild Wings
2. Hates bars
3. Loves sushi
4. Loves his cat (y'all I don't like cats either)
Alright so if this were baseball he'd already be out & the date hasn't even started.
On the hunt for Olive Garden I learned something else about him...he's not a fan of small town people.  I'm slightly paraphrasing here but essentially he thinks "they're fucking retarded", they're too close minded, they don't like outsiders, they're inbred, they're too redneck... (Guess what buddy I'm from a town 3x smaller than one you're currently talking about)
Strike 5
So we decide to get Mexican & on the way there he says, and I quote, "I won't say the N word around you because I know where you work..."  Great so I'm dealing with a racist too...
Strike 6
He then asked me who I voted no... and then proceeds to tell me that he once dropped a girl off before the date even started because of who she voted for because she was so stupid (that girl & I voted for the same person...)
Strike 7
We get to dinner & I'm so annoyed at this point and know that it's not going anywhere that I'm so bored & conversation sucks...  The worst part?  There was a SUPER cute guy who looked a hell of a lot more like my type sitting at the bar watching football...
He complained about his food...REPEATEDLY...and wound up getting it for free.
Bitch you're on a first date suck it up...Strike 8 (my food was just fine BTW)
Then, because I'm oh so nice instead of telling him I want to go home (he picked me up remember) I agree to an activity.  He suggests bowling (I wasn't wearing socks).  I suggest pool (he doesn't wanna pay for something he's not good at)
Strike 9 right there...pool cost what? MAYBE a dollar a round?  Who cares if you do's just something to do... (If you're keeping track it's now the bottom of the inning...)
We finally agree on mini golf...where the ENTIRE time he's either making jokes about the balls touching, poking my in the butt with the golf club, or trying to ask me questions about sex....
Strike 10, 11, 12
FINALLY mini golf is over...and yet the date is not...
He had been playing on his phone off & on most of the time too BTW because his friend was having some birthday thing...
Strike 13. 
I learned he didn't want to go because he didn't get along with the friend's girlfriend due to the fact that he once inadvertently called her a whore.
Strike 14.
So he brings me back & says that he told his friends that he'd stop by & say hi.  In my head I'm thanking God & say ok well have fun bye.  Turns out not bye...
He apparently told them he'd stop by later so we can still hang out a little longer...GREAT!  I tell him there's nothing to do in my apartment (because at this point my TV has been moved to my bedroom & like hell if I'm bringing that guy into my bedroom...)  So once again I'm awkwardly sitting on the couch with a guy while we independently play on our phones.  I'm texting everyone I know trying to get someone to save me.  Finally my friend calls me & I learned I will never be able to be saved from a date by a phone call...I started laughing right away.  So I walked into my bedroom where I'm on the phone dying of laughter & giving my friend one word answers.
When I walk back into the living room Mr. All Wrong says he's gonna go.  THANK YOU GOD!!!  Well unless you wanna go somewhere else & do something or hang out here some more...(pretty sure someone was hoping to get laid)  I was just like actually I'm going to go to bed...
We hugged it out & he was gone...FINALLY
He text me about an hour later saying "I had a really fun time tonight! Goodnight" I responded with goodnight...
He text me "Hi" the next morning...I didn't respond
He text me "I get the feeling somehow you don't wanna be more than friends" (Dude I don't even wanna be you're friend...) I say I'm sorry.  Blah blah blah "Well I'll just leave you alone then I'm sorry I wasted your time..."
On the Brightside: It wasn't a waste of time because a)now I have an AWESOME horrible date story to tell & b)I'm that much closer to finding the "right" one by weeding out another "wrong" one.

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