The Guy I Married, Dated, & Then Briefly Hated

I was in the first grade when I got married...and I don't remember it.  That's how much that marriage meant to me.  I was reminded about it years later by a classmate.  She reminded me that I had asked her to be my maid of honor that day so that I could get married on the playground at recess.

This wasn't the first time I had fallen "in love," that was Doogie Howser.  And in retrospect the fact that Doogie Howser was the first guy I was infatuated with may have led to the many years after continually choosing men that were unavailable to me in one way or another...

Anyway, while he wasn't my "first love," he was the first attainable boy I "loved."  I'm pretty sure in fact if I were to dig my first grade class picture up out of a box somewhere his face has a heart around it.  Sorry to my mom for putting a heart around the face of the boy I liked each school year on the class pictures she had paid good money for.

Said husband & I would go to CCD (it's a Catholic thing...I had to Google what it even meant.) together from 2nd grade through our confirmation in 10th grade.  Other than that though we did not interact.  Basically we got divorced the following day & only spoke when it came to "working" together in class or at church.

Five years later however our love would get a second chance when we were in the same 6th grade class.  About a half dozen of us were sitting in a classroom having a pizza party, probably for Knowledge Bowl or something (yes... I was in Knowledge Bowl), watching Remember the Titans.  That's when it happened.  I was passed a note that said "Will you be my girlfriend?  Check yes or no"  Obviously I checked yes.  George Strait would be so proud.  We would then spend the next four months as a couple who did not speak & had only one "date"... a high school basketball game where our friends FORCED us to sit by each other.  Somewhere there is a diary entry in which I think he's "cheating on me."  Okay then 12 year old me who doesn't even really speak to her boyfriend...  Four months after the infamous note we would break up because he wouldn't stop calling me "pookie."  Maybe that trauma is why I don't love pet names now...

The following year we entered high school, because in my small hometown high school was 7-12.  For pretty much all of high school we just coexisted.  Sometimes having the same friends, classes, or being in the same clubs/organizations.  Towards the end of my junior year however, and parts of my senior year, I HATED him.  My best friend & I ran for student council president & vice president.  So did he and another girl in our class.  We ran because we loved student council & wanted to do big things.  They ran because they wanted to beef up their college applications.  They won.  He was also the class president & I the class vice president... which was also a subject of annoyance for me for quite some time because even though HE was the president, I did everything... including plan our 5 & 10 year high school reunions.  There was a brief two week period in between our junior & senior year where we DID get along because we were on a German class trip to Europe & our differences in America were set aside on foreign soil.

I don't still hate him in case you're wondering.  I'm petty sometimes but not that petty.  I'm pretty indifferent about him actually & don't think I've seen him since high school graduation as he didn't attend our 5 year reunion & neither of us attended our 10 year reunion.  According to Facebook however he now lives in Arizona & is an engineer for a solar panel company.  We aren't even Facebook friends.  I simply stalked him for the purpose of this post.

Reasons & Regrets

As some of you may or may not recall, pretty much a month ago to the day I met Oklahoma, & then 2 weeks ago today there was no more Oklahoma.

It wasn't anything dramatic.  It wasn't anything wrong with either one of us.  We never even officially decided to stop talking.  Of course we had only known each other a week & thought we'd both be in Houston until June so we never really officially decided exactly what was going on between us either.

He came back into town late on a Tuesday.  He contacted me while I was at a softball game to see how I had been & let me know that he was on his way back & would be in Houston in less than 2 hours.  We talked a little bit & then I went to bed.  I had nothing going on Thursday so I contacted him that morning letting him know that I'd like to see him whenever he had free time coming up & that I did that night & would be also going out with my friend on Saturday if he wanted to join us.

The response I got pretty much made me break down.  I felt ridiculous then for being so upset & I still feel ridiculous now anytime I get upset.

He wasn't a douche bag, & at moments I almost wish he would have been because maybe then it wouldn't hurt as bad.  Douchebags I can deal with, that's pretty much all I've ever dealt with when it comes to reasons I've been heart broken.  Life stepping in the way isn't really something that I haven't really had to deal with.  And yes, I am fully aware that life is not fair, but it's not fair.

He got sent out of Houston.  The original plan was for him to be in Houston until June or July while they worked on a rig & then he'd be moved to west Texas.  However, when you work in a field that has you working all over the place, nothing is ever really certain.  So less than 48 hours after arriving back in Houston, he was being sent out to west Texas.

I cried...a lot.  While I do know why, it doesn't make me feel any less ridiculous.  It was a week.  It was only a week so I should be fine.  And yet, this hurts more than when I broke up with CJ after 2 months.  It hurts more than when I found out that Mr. Fireman had been seeing someone else the entire time he was seeing me.

I wasn't going to talk to him.  What was the point?  We had known each other a week & then he was gone.  He lives 6.5 hours north of me, he's currently working at least 8 hours from me (& that could/will eventually change), I'll be back in MN for at least June/July, & only God knows where after that at this point.  But something kept tugging at me.  So I decided that if I was still hurting & thinking about him after my friend left I'd message him.  What's the worst that could happen?  He doesn't respond?  He says he doesn't think we should keep talking?  Awesome...then I'm in the exact same boat I was in before I decided to message him.

It was Music Soul Mate that unknowingly made me decide to message him.  It was the day she was supposed to leave & she played me a song.  (For the record, not only should y'all check out that song...but check out the rest of his stuff as well.  It's so good.)  Luckily, it was a sappy song anyway so tears were acceptable, but I got all teary eyed.  Not only because it's an incredibly sweet song, but also because within the first 2 or 3 lines he's what popped into my head.  It was exactly the type of song/artist that he was always finding for me to listen to when we were hanging out together.

So, Monday morning I sent him a text.  I shared the song with him & asked how west Texas was.  By the time I had gone to bed he hadn't responded.  I figured one of two things.  Either a)he just wasn't going to or b)it wasn't going to come right away because he's a busy man who doesn't really text to begin with.  I was okay with either because at least I had tried.

We've messaged back & forth a couple of times but nothing huge.  What happens now?  I have no idea.  And I'm pretty much okay with that too.  If we keep talking I would obviously be thrilled.  If it magically goes somewhere, I'd be even more thrilled.  Statistically we all know that it's not likely, especially the second one.  No matter what happens, I'll still be glad I met him & that he came into my life.  It may have just been a week but I learned a lot about myself during that time.  I realized that I do in fact want to get married someday & that having kids isn't something that scares me, it's something that I want.  I learned to be patient & trusting with a boy.  And most importantly, for the first time in my life, I REALLY tried when it came to a boy.  I stopped being so scared of what may or may not happen & made the move.

Same Old Sad Love Song

This isn't very Christmasey & for that I apologize.  Most people probably aren't reading blogs today anyway.  I know I'm not.  It was the one open day I had left & wanted to get this out before December was over.  I probably should've written this a couple of days ago when I was all up in my feelings but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

As some of you may or may not have figured out, Mr. Fireman & I are no longer together whatsoever.  I never wrote about why.  I went back & forth on whether or not I wanted to & had decided against it.  I had met someone new, CJ, & had moved on from the situation.  Then that ended a couple of days ago (Dec 17) & I felt like I needed to write about it.  However, the story of CJ begins where the story of Mr. Fireman ends so one cannot be told without the other.

I'll spare y'all the play by play & give you a general recap.

If you've been around this blog any length of time know that there was a lot of off & on drama with Mr. Fireman.  That multiple times I said I was done & then I wasn't.  When I left for MN back in June I had decided it was time to start letting go for real.  We talked while I was gone but not necessarily everyday.  We even hung out a few times in August/September once I was in back.  In October though I learned that the entire time we had been dating, not only had he been dating another girl, he had also been sleeping with random girls.  That was it.  I was done.  I haven't spoken to him since.  That is where Other Woman enters the picture & through her I met CJ.  Other Woman & I are no longer friends due to her being drama & trying to start shit between CJ & I.

CJ was his own rollercoaster from the beginning.  We were great when we were good but bad when we were bad.  It's not even like we fought a ton...but I found myself getting annoyed & crying more in the 2 months that we were together than I can recall myself doing in any length of time in recent history (time spent with Mr. Fireman included)  It was little things that really aren't that little.  The first time I tried to talk to him, around 2-3 weeks in, about how I felt like he was being distant & didn't want to be around he threw a fit & stormed out of my house & didn't talk to me for 4 days.  I thought we were done...we weren't.  The week before I left for Thanksgiving he told me he had done something (no he didn't cheat) that I did not agree with whatsoever & told him I needed the time that I was gone to think.  I thought I'd be done...I wasn't.  So when I found myself getting constantly annoyed that I felt like I was the only one doing anything (cleaning around the house, buying all the food in my house, paying all my bills...while he spent all of his time on my couch trying to find a new job) I snapped.  I tried to talk to him calmly about how I needed some type of help around the house if he was going to be spending all of his time there (we didn't technically live together) he turned into a big baby & stormed out again.  I told him I was done.  We went out to dinner a few hours later & ended things on better terms but we were still done for real.  He text me the following  day & turned into an ass, which honestly made it a whole lot easier to be done.

So now I will be beginning 2015 single again.  Truly, 100% single.  Honestly, while I'm nervous about what life is going to be like my last few months in Texas, I'm also excited for this new journey.  I have had nothing but a steady stream of relationship drama for the past 15 months.  I'm ready to focus on myself again & figure out what I'm going to do with my life...and just be as drama free as possible for once.  Break-ups are hard whether they're necessary or not.  I know I'll still have my good days & bad days but in the end I know it's also for the best.  I'm also really proud of myself for not letting the back & forth continue for my final few months in Texas.

And because it is Christmas after all

You're the Best Thing I Never Knew I Needed

I love:

that you make it your mission to solve my problems ranging from a lack of can opener to getting a job to car issues to being happy.

that you think I'm beautiful in sweatpants.

that without me saying a word you do the dishes at my house just because I cooked supper.

that you know when to say something to make me feel better & when to just listen.

that we can talk for hours about anything & everything.

when you lay your head on me.

that you're the closest I feel to home.

that when you ask if I'm ok & we both know I'm not but say yes, you don't press it because you know I'll talk when I'm ready.

that you humor me by enthusiastically taking part in my random requests such as making sure chili cheese dogs are present when we watch The Walking Dead.

Adventures In Online Dating: Next!

I was talking to Kickass Cousin the other day about guys that don't stand a chance & the annoying things they do.  This would pertain to the real world too if I ever actually met guys not online but as of now I'm doing the online dating thing...sort of.  I haven't actually been on a date since Airplane Boy.  Anyway, things that guarantee an automatic "NEXT!"

1. Gym Selfies

2. Flat billed caps...especially if the sticker is still on.

3. Grown men who use "r" & "u" instead of "are" & "you"

4. Grown men who use "wyd" or "wrud" instead of asking me what I'm doing with real words.

4. Only having group photos

5. Saying "Hey (beautiful, gorgeous, babe, baby, hun, darlin, etc)" when we've never even met.

6. Guys who can't get more creative than saying "hi" in the first message.

7. Any type of hand gestures in their pictures.  Including, but not limited to: peace signs, rock on, the middle finger.

8. Pictures that they aren't in...this includes what their vehicle looks like, their pet(s) look like, things they have killed.

9. When their bio says either "just ask" or "I'm laid back & like to have fun"

10. Pictures with other girls that CLEARLY aren't their sister but they try to pass off as their sister.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

This has been such a hectic week I didn't have time to get something ready for today nor the energy so since a few of you said that as long as I included Zac Efron there's no possible way the content could be shit...I give you Zac & friends.

This Is The Story Of My Life

15 Signs You're MaybeKindOfSortOf In A Relationship
First of all I can't stress how much I love Buzzfeed!  Reading articles on there is a daily occurance.  My friends & I are constantly sending each other links to random, fitting articles such as the one you're about to read below (which I sent to 5 of my girlfriends the second I finished reading it...because it is 100% my life...) Beyond the fact that I found myself saying yep to nearly all of these (there are a few that don't apply such as #12 because those do happen...& #9 because he always holds the door for me...) when Mr. Fireman & I went to the movies a little while ago the trailer for That Awkward Moment (which sponsors this Buzzfeed article) played & in nearly every scenario they talk about I could see him turn & look at me...to which I wanted to turn back to him & say (SEE YA IDIOT...WE. ARE. A. COUPLE! ... I held back)

1. You avoid introducing each other with actual titles like “boyfriend” (ew!) and “girlfriend” (ehk!).

2. Your friends in real relationships show their affection openly…

3. …while you have other ways of showing it.

4. You wait to schedule all plans until you hear from them. But you don’t let yourself wait around forever… right?

5. You still check out other girls/guys, but you feel guilty about it.

6. You tell them that you don’t care if they see other people…

7. …but as cool as you try to play it, jealousy always takes over.

8. You text in ambiguous code all day long.

 

9. You’re afraid of gestures that seem too romantic…

10. …especially holding hands! You can sleep together, but holding hands is TOO SERIOUS.

11. You’ve found every which way to get comfortable in bed…

12. …but you’re still not comfortable sleeping over.

13. Privately, you allow yourself to be as affectionate as you want to be…

14. …but in public, it’s a completely different story.

15. You’ve both tried to approach the “are we official?” conversation, but end up just talking around the issue.

For a clearer picture of the completely unclear MaybeKindOfSortOf dating world, check out That Awkward Moment.