Reasons & Regrets

As some of you may or may not recall, pretty much a month ago to the day I met Oklahoma, & then 2 weeks ago today there was no more Oklahoma.

It wasn't anything dramatic.  It wasn't anything wrong with either one of us.  We never even officially decided to stop talking.  Of course we had only known each other a week & thought we'd both be in Houston until June so we never really officially decided exactly what was going on between us either.

He came back into town late on a Tuesday.  He contacted me while I was at a softball game to see how I had been & let me know that he was on his way back & would be in Houston in less than 2 hours.  We talked a little bit & then I went to bed.  I had nothing going on Thursday so I contacted him that morning letting him know that I'd like to see him whenever he had free time coming up & that I did that night & would be also going out with my friend on Saturday if he wanted to join us.

The response I got pretty much made me break down.  I felt ridiculous then for being so upset & I still feel ridiculous now anytime I get upset.

He wasn't a douche bag, & at moments I almost wish he would have been because maybe then it wouldn't hurt as bad.  Douchebags I can deal with, that's pretty much all I've ever dealt with when it comes to reasons I've been heart broken.  Life stepping in the way isn't really something that I haven't really had to deal with.  And yes, I am fully aware that life is not fair, but it's not fair.

He got sent out of Houston.  The original plan was for him to be in Houston until June or July while they worked on a rig & then he'd be moved to west Texas.  However, when you work in a field that has you working all over the place, nothing is ever really certain.  So less than 48 hours after arriving back in Houston, he was being sent out to west Texas.

I cried...a lot.  While I do know why, it doesn't make me feel any less ridiculous.  It was a week.  It was only a week so I should be fine.  And yet, this hurts more than when I broke up with CJ after 2 months.  It hurts more than when I found out that Mr. Fireman had been seeing someone else the entire time he was seeing me.

I wasn't going to talk to him.  What was the point?  We had known each other a week & then he was gone.  He lives 6.5 hours north of me, he's currently working at least 8 hours from me (& that could/will eventually change), I'll be back in MN for at least June/July, & only God knows where after that at this point.  But something kept tugging at me.  So I decided that if I was still hurting & thinking about him after my friend left I'd message him.  What's the worst that could happen?  He doesn't respond?  He says he doesn't think we should keep talking?  Awesome...then I'm in the exact same boat I was in before I decided to message him.

It was Music Soul Mate that unknowingly made me decide to message him.  It was the day she was supposed to leave & she played me a song.  (For the record, not only should y'all check out that song...but check out the rest of his stuff as well.  It's so good.)  Luckily, it was a sappy song anyway so tears were acceptable, but I got all teary eyed.  Not only because it's an incredibly sweet song, but also because within the first 2 or 3 lines he's what popped into my head.  It was exactly the type of song/artist that he was always finding for me to listen to when we were hanging out together.

So, Monday morning I sent him a text.  I shared the song with him & asked how west Texas was.  By the time I had gone to bed he hadn't responded.  I figured one of two things.  Either a)he just wasn't going to or b)it wasn't going to come right away because he's a busy man who doesn't really text to begin with.  I was okay with either because at least I had tried.

We've messaged back & forth a couple of times but nothing huge.  What happens now?  I have no idea.  And I'm pretty much okay with that too.  If we keep talking I would obviously be thrilled.  If it magically goes somewhere, I'd be even more thrilled.  Statistically we all know that it's not likely, especially the second one.  No matter what happens, I'll still be glad I met him & that he came into my life.  It may have just been a week but I learned a lot about myself during that time.  I realized that I do in fact want to get married someday & that having kids isn't something that scares me, it's something that I want.  I learned to be patient & trusting with a boy.  And most importantly, for the first time in my life, I REALLY tried when it came to a boy.  I stopped being so scared of what may or may not happen & made the move.