This Time I Choose Me

**I originally wrote this at the end of January but then never hit publish...so here's some real for the blog...**

It's not that I've stopped loving you, it's just that I need to start loving me more.

From the moment we met my world was turned upside down.  You were an intense firestorm that sparked a passion inside of me that I didn't know existed.  I learned things about myself that I might not have learned without you.  I learned things about love and passion and life.

Without hesitation you were someone I trusted, someone I counted on.  For someone who generally doesn't like to let people in or count on anyone but herself, that was a big deal.  You became the person I wanted to tell everything to.  You became the person I could tell anything to.  I could tell you the good about me, as well as the bad about me.  I could be honest with you no matter what the topic.

For months the intensity of what you & I shared grew exponentially.  A passion that deep doesn't come free though.  When a fire runs that hot you have two choices, control it or let it burn you.  Try as I might I couldn't keep it under control.  As a person who is generally a control freak, this scared me.  The fact that we're both stubborn & hard headed didn't help either.  Instead of using that to fight for each other, we used it to fight against each other.  We got burned & we have no one to blame but ourselves.  

Please don't take my steps back as a sign that I don't care though.  I'm taking them because I do care.  I care about what we had.  I care about a friendship that could potentially be salvaged.  I care about what we maybe could still have someday.  I care about me.  I care about being happy, & doing what's best to make myself a better person.

Maybe if things hadn't gotten so hot so fast, we wouldn't have burned out just as quickly as we started.  Maybe we'll never know what could have been.  There are a lot of ifs when it comes to you & I.  What I do know though is that in order for me to get back to where I was, and for you to get back to where you were, and just maybe get us to a place where we can exist in a healthy & balanced way, I need to step back.  I'm not walking away, I'm just slowing down.  This time I'm focusing on what's best for me.  I can no longer fight for something when I'm constantly being fought against.

So know this: it was real, all of it.  It's still real & always will be.

I truly hope that someday we can come to a place where 95% of our conversations don't turn into a fight, that we can go back to mutually being there for each other during the good and bad.  However, if we can't, & this is it, remember that I cared, that I still care, that I always will care & I wasn't the one that walked away without a fight.

It wasn't because I stopped loving you, it was because I needed to start loving me more.

An Open Letter To Every Man Who Let Me Go

First and foremost, I hope this letter finds you well.  I truly do.  Whether we ended abruptly or over time, whether we ended mutually and peacefully or whether one of us was blindsided, I hope you're doing well.  If there's only one thing you learned about me in our time together, no matter how brief or how long, I hope you learned and remember that I was not and am not a vindictive person.  It may be in a different way, but I still care about you today just as I did when I knew you.

Thank you for so many things.  

Thank you for teaching me what I want out of a relationship, and what I don't want.  For showing me what I deserve, and what I should never for put up with again.  

Thank you for the good times, and the bad.  

The good times serve as memories that I think back on fondly from time to time.  The good times give me hope that true love can and does exist and that when the time is right, the real thing will find me.  

The bad times serve has hard lessons that I had to learn.  They taught me about myself, about relationships, and about life.  

Thank you for forcing me to walk away when I held on just a little too long.  Thank you for letting me walk away even if you weren't ready because I needed to move on.

Thank you for both making me cry and for being a shoulder to cry on.

Thank you for bringing me one step closer to the man I will marry someday.

Thank you for unintentionally reminding me that time does heal all wounds.

Thank you for reminding me that I am strong, brave, and independent.

Thank you for bringing new meaning to both love songs and songs about heartbreak.

Thank you for being a part of my life.  Whether it was 2 months, 5 years, or somewhere in between.  Whether it was complicated or easy.

Without you, I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

And truth be told, I kind of like her.

That Day My Car Broke Down & Mr. Fireman Both Saved The Day & Broke My Heart

If y'all remember I bought myself a new car about a month ago...and the next day Mr. Fireman and I broke up.  Well yesterday while attempting to go to Chipolte before open house at work my car essentially died.  In just a few miles my car would stop accelerating, I would have to pull over, turn it off, & turn it back on to fix it probably a good half dozen to a dozen times before turning around & going back to work so someone else could drive.  So I did what every smart girl does & called my daddy.  Then I called the dealership I bought it at, followed by the dealership, followed by AAA, followed by the most nerve wracking phone call of all...Mr. Fireman.  He agreed to pick up me & student teacher at 7:30 when we got off of work to bring each of us home.

He showed up right on time and we got in the truck.  There were definitely moments of awkward silence.  What does one even say after not seeing someone for a month when there's so much you want to say but don't even know where to start...and there's a third party in the vehicle.  So we drove & made small talk, dropped off student teacher, went out to eat, made more small talk, & then he brought me back to my apartment where we then had it out for a good 30-45 minutes in my parking lot.

It all came down to him running scared.  Him thinking he's a terrible person.  Him not knowing what he wants in life & is afraid he may never know.  Him knowing that what we had was great but felt it was too great & that I was too perfect too soon.  Him not knowing what to do so he asked guys at work for advice (& apparently went against it).  He's scared because in all of his 20s he had 2 serious relationships & is worried that if he doesn't get the chance to date around he'll always wonder what's out there. He's been dating some new girl for 2 weeks to which he said "it's not like I'm marrying her & who knows it's probably not going to work out with her either."  He meant it when he said it didn't have to be over.  He meant it when he said he still wanted to talk to me & to hang out with me but he doesn't know how to make that happen because he's never tried something like that before.  Basically it all comes down to he's scared, he's an idiot, he knows it & I told him I still wanted him in my life and wanted to try again because I never said it had to be serious so fast & you don't just walk away from something great but that I can't keep trying so if he wants to talk to me & hang out I'll be there but I have to be done being the one trying.  We'll both keep dating other people, maybe talk/hang out, or maybe not.

All I know is this is what I have to do for me.  I have to let go even if only in the sense that I'm not the one doing all the trying.  Now I can only keep dating others & hope that either I move on or he figures out what to do with his stupidity.  There's more to the story & a lot more was said, and cried about, and yelled about, but that's what it all boils down to essentially.

We talked briefly today about my car & my sweet rental that I get until my car is fixed...HELLO BRIGHT RED 2013 F150...nearly the vehicle of my dreams...but that's it.  I'm supposed to have 3 dates this weekend with 3 different guys so we'll see.  I've already gone on a date with one of them & I'm not super into him but I also refuse to just sit around waiting any longer & (almost) everyone deserves a 2nd chance...

He Was The One That Got Away

ya know...the one that wrecked my heart...shoulda never let him go...

I could go on & just type out the whole song...but in all seriousness I have one of those & he came back into my life yesterday & I've been a zombie like wreck since.  Not so secretly, every time I hear the song I hope that I'm the one that got away.

I met said boy in August of 2009.  We had 2 classes together & I had THE biggest crush on him from the second I laid eyes on him.  My ex & I had just broken up, for the first time...& should've just ended it for good at that point instead of dragging it out for another 14 months of off & on... but that is neither here nor there.

I was 20 years old & it was one of those extremely girly crushes where I wanted to add him on Facebook but was afraid he would think I was weird cause we didn't really talk & then if he didn't accept I'd have to see him nearly everyday all semester... no worries he accepted!  We didn't really talk outside of class but in class was enough...especially since ya know I had the whole off & on relationship thing going on.

But then he disappeared.  The following semester he studied abroad in Australia & then he took a semester off.  I honestly didn't think I'd see him again except for on Facebook.  I was working at Gander Mountain at the time & he happened to come in & we talked briefly as I was checking him out...at the register & with my eyes ha.  He showed up at a school meeting one day & was enrolling back in school. 

It's Spring semester of 2011 at this point if you've lost track...I had.  We didn't have class together again until Fall 2011 but we would randomly talk off & on if we saw each other at school.  We only had one class together in the fall but we talked a lot more.  We sat kind of by each other in class & there was apparently a mutual attraction between us that I guess looking back I noticed but refused to see because I just couldn't believe that he might be into me.  The following semester we were going to be starting our final semester, student teaching, the one where I up & moved to TX for 4 months.

One night in December we had a Social Studies Pub Crawl...it was the last time I was going to be seeing these people until maybe graduation & possibly ever.  Everyone in our major knew I had a thing for him.  Regardless of whether I had been the one to tell them, someone else had told them. or because "the flirting & tension between you 2 is completely obvious."  We all go out to the Pub Crawl & as the night goes on one of my other guy friends sits me down & says that I need to stop torturing myself & either tell him how I feel or move on.  So that's exactly what I did should've done.  I was too scared.  I was terrified that he would reject me, that he'd never want to talk to me again because it would be awkward.  So what did I do instead in my slightly intoxicated it's now or never moment... I marched right up to him & said "We're going home together!" ... and we did.  I talked to him maybe a handful of times when I was in TX but that was it.

Then I came home for graduation.  My friends & I literally spent Wed/Thur-Sat night of graduation drinking & going out in our college town.  I don't remember if it was the first night or the second night back but there he was.  We walked into the bar & I didn't even notice he was there.  I was talking to some other friends when someone taps my shoulder & says "Bri, look who's here..."  So I turn & he's staring at me so I walk over & we talked all night long...& went home together because once again I couldn't just say how I felt.  I didn't see him again until graduation day & then that night.  We didn't really talk a whole lot & when I decided to head home we hugged goodbye & I told him I'd see him at WeFest.

Fast forward 3 more months to August 2012.  One night I went to go hang out with him & his friends because mine were being lame & I wanted to see him.  We stayed up talking a little while after his friends went to bed & then when he said he was ready for bed I said I was going to head back.  I wanted to stay, I wanted him to want me to stay, & he did.  He told me I could just stay there.  It didn't last real long we were sharing the floor of an RV.  So I got up at the ass crack of dawn to go sleep in my own tent with an actual pillow & room to move.  The last night of WeFest I went to say goodbye & he was hammered.  I remember him saying something about how he wasn't just a piece of meat.  I don't remember how it came up & it was exactly directed right at me but I still felt a slight sting.  Then, he proceeded to hit on my friend who was with me.  Finally I had had it so I was just like ok well we're gonna go now bye.  I talked to him one more time on my way down to TX to tell him good luck on an interview.

So here it is 5 months later.  I'm lying in bed yesterday trying to nap before I go out.  But I couldn't sleep.  All I could think about was how I was sick of being alone.  Then I was thinking about the boys who make up my past...a lot about said boy.  I was also doing a lot of thinking about where I want to be.  Like do I want to stay down around Houston, do I want to stay in TX but somewhere else, should I just go back to MN?  I was doing some praying to God...how I just want to fall in love & figure out my life.  Ya know the "can you please just send me THE guy already?" "can you please give me a sign as to what I'm supposed to be doing with my life & where I need to be?"  Literally within a minute of the whole asking for a sign...I get a facebook message.  It's him.  I started bawling my eyes out.  I would like to point out that he had been drinking & I knew he had.  I knew from Facebook that he was ice fishing with some friends.  But here is the very brief conversation that ensued:

Boy: Why did you come back & not even tell me!  You come to MN & whatever?
Me: Ha I apologize you can be the first person I tell when I come back again next time.

B: Bri! Not acceptable.  I was looking forward to seeing you after Christmas!  You got a job & I didn't.
M: Well then you have lots of free time you should just venture down to TX
B: Well I didn't get a job teaching.  I work for ______.
...then came the line that broke my heart in multiple ways.
B: I want you!
M: Well then you'll have to figure out a way to get down here cause I'm not coming back until summer.

There's the part of me that says "don't be dumb...he was just drunk & wanted to get laid"
Then there's the part of me that says "so what if he was drunk...this isn't the first time he's been drunk since August & it's not like you're the only girl he's ever slept with so maybe..."
...obviously I want it to be the he actually wants me...
Why?  Why now?  Why me?  Why did he say those things?  Did he really mean those things or was he just drunk?  It's not like I was even online at the time & so he just happened to see I was online.  I wasn't...& when I did actually go one I noticed he had "liked" one of my pictures.

So now I'm half stuck.  I don't know what to do.  The scared part of me wants to just let it go & pretend like it never happened.  The hopeful part of me wants to ask so if he really does like me we can figure this out.  The part of me that was already getting over him...the same one that is sitting here like a zombie...wants to ask so he can just tell me he was just drunk so I can move on for once & for all.  But I'm scared of the answer.  I'm scared for the exact same reasons that I was scared to add him on Facebook, the same reasons I was afraid to tell him back in Dec. 2011.

So I text him around 10:30 this morning with an ease in light hearted "How's the hangover Casanova?"

...he responded while I was typing this up...so like 3.5 hours later...the point when I had just told my cousin 20 minutes early even if he never responds I need to just tell him everything to get it over with.  His response? "Ha not great.  Starting drinking at 8 am was a bad idea."

...that's it.  I don't know what to do.  I know what I NEED to do but I'm too scared... I don't know what to respond with.  Hey God?  I need another sign please.

May 5th, 2005

It's been 5 years already but I can still remember nearly every detail like it was yesterday. I was a sophomore in high school and it was an early out. It was sunny and beautiful. We were supposed to have a softball game that night. The baseball team was also supposed to play. I went over to friend's house to meet up with a couple friends. While there my mom called me to make sure I was ok. I thought this was odd until she told me there had been an accident. She didn't know who & she didn't know exactly how just that there had been an accident. So I told my friends & in the middle of telling them my mom called me back & told me who. I wasn't close with either but that didn't really matter. That sort of thing is tragic no matter what but especially when you live in a small town where everyone knows everyone.



Joy Marciniak & Dylan Raines had been drag racing another car. The other car was also two students that went to my high school. Another car was coming and so the two cars racing tried to get in the same lane. One car clipped the other. Dylan & Joy's car went flying. They died instantly. Dylan was an amazing baseball player & was set to graduate the following month. He was going to attend college out in Hawaii. Joy was a beautiful young woman, popular and well liked. She was to be graduating the following year & then going out to Hawaii to go to college & be with Dylan.



The following day was filled with emotion. School was in session but classes were not held. Memorials were set up outside of their lockers and near a tree outside the school. There was not a dry eye in the school that day. Even just thinking about it now brings tears back to my eyes. There were so many emotions that day that I cannot even begin to describe that day but it plays out in my head as if I were watching it on tape.



Randomly a song will come on the radio and it brings me back to then. "Good Riddance" - Green Day this song was played multiple times during the memorials, viewings, & funerals. It became almost a theme song. "Who You'd Be Today" - Kenny Chesney & "I Go Back" - Kenny Chesney.



I tried to find an article from that day. I have them all printed/saved at my parents & cannot find any online any longer. I'd like you to take time out of your Cinco De Mayo to think about those you love, those you've lost, and to remember to buckle up.



This is to you Dylan & Joy. You are so missed. I hope that heaven is amazing & that you two are living it up up there.



Good Riddance - Green Day



Who You'd Be Today - Kenny Chesney