This Time I Choose Me

**I originally wrote this at the end of January but then never hit publish...so here's some real for the blog...**

It's not that I've stopped loving you, it's just that I need to start loving me more.

From the moment we met my world was turned upside down.  You were an intense firestorm that sparked a passion inside of me that I didn't know existed.  I learned things about myself that I might not have learned without you.  I learned things about love and passion and life.

Without hesitation you were someone I trusted, someone I counted on.  For someone who generally doesn't like to let people in or count on anyone but herself, that was a big deal.  You became the person I wanted to tell everything to.  You became the person I could tell anything to.  I could tell you the good about me, as well as the bad about me.  I could be honest with you no matter what the topic.

For months the intensity of what you & I shared grew exponentially.  A passion that deep doesn't come free though.  When a fire runs that hot you have two choices, control it or let it burn you.  Try as I might I couldn't keep it under control.  As a person who is generally a control freak, this scared me.  The fact that we're both stubborn & hard headed didn't help either.  Instead of using that to fight for each other, we used it to fight against each other.  We got burned & we have no one to blame but ourselves.  

Please don't take my steps back as a sign that I don't care though.  I'm taking them because I do care.  I care about what we had.  I care about a friendship that could potentially be salvaged.  I care about what we maybe could still have someday.  I care about me.  I care about being happy, & doing what's best to make myself a better person.

Maybe if things hadn't gotten so hot so fast, we wouldn't have burned out just as quickly as we started.  Maybe we'll never know what could have been.  There are a lot of ifs when it comes to you & I.  What I do know though is that in order for me to get back to where I was, and for you to get back to where you were, and just maybe get us to a place where we can exist in a healthy & balanced way, I need to step back.  I'm not walking away, I'm just slowing down.  This time I'm focusing on what's best for me.  I can no longer fight for something when I'm constantly being fought against.

So know this: it was real, all of it.  It's still real & always will be.

I truly hope that someday we can come to a place where 95% of our conversations don't turn into a fight, that we can go back to mutually being there for each other during the good and bad.  However, if we can't, & this is it, remember that I cared, that I still care, that I always will care & I wasn't the one that walked away without a fight.

It wasn't because I stopped loving you, it was because I needed to start loving me more.