He Was The One That Got Away

ya know...the one that wrecked my heart...shoulda never let him go...

I could go on & just type out the whole song...but in all seriousness I have one of those & he came back into my life yesterday & I've been a zombie like wreck since.  Not so secretly, every time I hear the song I hope that I'm the one that got away.

I met said boy in August of 2009.  We had 2 classes together & I had THE biggest crush on him from the second I laid eyes on him.  My ex & I had just broken up, for the first time...& should've just ended it for good at that point instead of dragging it out for another 14 months of off & on... but that is neither here nor there.

I was 20 years old & it was one of those extremely girly crushes where I wanted to add him on Facebook but was afraid he would think I was weird cause we didn't really talk & then if he didn't accept I'd have to see him nearly everyday all semester... no worries he accepted!  We didn't really talk outside of class but in class was enough...especially since ya know I had the whole off & on relationship thing going on.

But then he disappeared.  The following semester he studied abroad in Australia & then he took a semester off.  I honestly didn't think I'd see him again except for on Facebook.  I was working at Gander Mountain at the time & he happened to come in & we talked briefly as I was checking him out...at the register & with my eyes ha.  He showed up at a school meeting one day & was enrolling back in school. 

It's Spring semester of 2011 at this point if you've lost track...I had.  We didn't have class together again until Fall 2011 but we would randomly talk off & on if we saw each other at school.  We only had one class together in the fall but we talked a lot more.  We sat kind of by each other in class & there was apparently a mutual attraction between us that I guess looking back I noticed but refused to see because I just couldn't believe that he might be into me.  The following semester we were going to be starting our final semester, student teaching, the one where I up & moved to TX for 4 months.

One night in December we had a Social Studies Pub Crawl...it was the last time I was going to be seeing these people until maybe graduation & possibly ever.  Everyone in our major knew I had a thing for him.  Regardless of whether I had been the one to tell them, someone else had told them. or because "the flirting & tension between you 2 is completely obvious."  We all go out to the Pub Crawl & as the night goes on one of my other guy friends sits me down & says that I need to stop torturing myself & either tell him how I feel or move on.  So that's exactly what I did should've done.  I was too scared.  I was terrified that he would reject me, that he'd never want to talk to me again because it would be awkward.  So what did I do instead in my slightly intoxicated it's now or never moment... I marched right up to him & said "We're going home together!" ... and we did.  I talked to him maybe a handful of times when I was in TX but that was it.

Then I came home for graduation.  My friends & I literally spent Wed/Thur-Sat night of graduation drinking & going out in our college town.  I don't remember if it was the first night or the second night back but there he was.  We walked into the bar & I didn't even notice he was there.  I was talking to some other friends when someone taps my shoulder & says "Bri, look who's here..."  So I turn & he's staring at me so I walk over & we talked all night long...& went home together because once again I couldn't just say how I felt.  I didn't see him again until graduation day & then that night.  We didn't really talk a whole lot & when I decided to head home we hugged goodbye & I told him I'd see him at WeFest.

Fast forward 3 more months to August 2012.  One night I went to go hang out with him & his friends because mine were being lame & I wanted to see him.  We stayed up talking a little while after his friends went to bed & then when he said he was ready for bed I said I was going to head back.  I wanted to stay, I wanted him to want me to stay, & he did.  He told me I could just stay there.  It didn't last real long we were sharing the floor of an RV.  So I got up at the ass crack of dawn to go sleep in my own tent with an actual pillow & room to move.  The last night of WeFest I went to say goodbye & he was hammered.  I remember him saying something about how he wasn't just a piece of meat.  I don't remember how it came up & it was exactly directed right at me but I still felt a slight sting.  Then, he proceeded to hit on my friend who was with me.  Finally I had had it so I was just like ok well we're gonna go now bye.  I talked to him one more time on my way down to TX to tell him good luck on an interview.

So here it is 5 months later.  I'm lying in bed yesterday trying to nap before I go out.  But I couldn't sleep.  All I could think about was how I was sick of being alone.  Then I was thinking about the boys who make up my past...a lot about said boy.  I was also doing a lot of thinking about where I want to be.  Like do I want to stay down around Houston, do I want to stay in TX but somewhere else, should I just go back to MN?  I was doing some praying to God...how I just want to fall in love & figure out my life.  Ya know the "can you please just send me THE guy already?" "can you please give me a sign as to what I'm supposed to be doing with my life & where I need to be?"  Literally within a minute of the whole asking for a sign...I get a facebook message.  It's him.  I started bawling my eyes out.  I would like to point out that he had been drinking & I knew he had.  I knew from Facebook that he was ice fishing with some friends.  But here is the very brief conversation that ensued:

Boy: Why did you come back & not even tell me!  You come to MN & whatever?
Me: Ha I apologize you can be the first person I tell when I come back again next time.

B: Bri! Not acceptable.  I was looking forward to seeing you after Christmas!  You got a job & I didn't.
M: Well then you have lots of free time you should just venture down to TX
B: Well I didn't get a job teaching.  I work for ______.
...then came the line that broke my heart in multiple ways.
B: I want you!
M: Well then you'll have to figure out a way to get down here cause I'm not coming back until summer.

There's the part of me that says "don't be dumb...he was just drunk & wanted to get laid"
Then there's the part of me that says "so what if he was drunk...this isn't the first time he's been drunk since August & it's not like you're the only girl he's ever slept with so maybe..."
...obviously I want it to be the he actually wants me...
Why?  Why now?  Why me?  Why did he say those things?  Did he really mean those things or was he just drunk?  It's not like I was even online at the time & so he just happened to see I was online.  I wasn't...& when I did actually go one I noticed he had "liked" one of my pictures.

So now I'm half stuck.  I don't know what to do.  The scared part of me wants to just let it go & pretend like it never happened.  The hopeful part of me wants to ask so if he really does like me we can figure this out.  The part of me that was already getting over him...the same one that is sitting here like a zombie...wants to ask so he can just tell me he was just drunk so I can move on for once & for all.  But I'm scared of the answer.  I'm scared for the exact same reasons that I was scared to add him on Facebook, the same reasons I was afraid to tell him back in Dec. 2011.

So I text him around 10:30 this morning with an ease in light hearted "How's the hangover Casanova?"

...he responded while I was typing this up...so like 3.5 hours later...the point when I had just told my cousin 20 minutes early even if he never responds I need to just tell him everything to get it over with.  His response? "Ha not great.  Starting drinking at 8 am was a bad idea."

...that's it.  I don't know what to do.  I know what I NEED to do but I'm too scared... I don't know what to respond with.  Hey God?  I need another sign please.