You Gotta Know When To Walk Away

It's about to get real up in here.  Approximately a year ago today is when everything with Mr. Fireman began...and now it's come full circle.  On 5/25/13 we first started talking.  On 6/1/13 we met.  On 6/4/13 we went on our first official date.  In the year that followed there was happiness & heartbreak...more than once.  It's all over now.  After sleeping with him a couple of weeks ago I decided it was time to get off the rollercoaster ride.

I needed to write out my goodbye to him so I could get it out & now I need to write it here so that I can look back should I ever choose to.  I thought about turning off comments for this post but decided I didn't care.  Comment or don't.  You can't turn off opinions in the real world so I'm not going to try to do so here.

Mr. Fireman -

So basically my internal battle for the past couple of months, and really the past few days, has been whether or not to tell you to "come fuck me" or "go fuck yourself."  I've decided to land somewhere in the middle.  I hate that you made me feel used & I hate that I was stupid enough to let you back in after you spent a month & a half not speaking to me.  Not that it really matters because you clearly feel as if it was a mistake too, but I really can't do this again.  I will not play round 3 of "are we or aren't we?"  It's all or nothing.  You don't have to tell me your choice because we both know the answer to that.  It's probably for the best anyway.  That blind trust I had for you when we first met has been shattered over & over again.  I really don't even know what hurts the most.  I don't know if it's just how stupid of a girl I turned out to be (the one I said I'd never be again) or the feeling of being used by someone who is supposed to care about me.  I don't know if it's despite giving you everything I had you still didn't want me or if it's that I wanted you so badly I thought my everything & a million chances would be enough.  Truth be told I knew your answer back in July when I asked you if I was just a rebound & you didn't have an answer.  I was just too stubborn & hopeful to listen to my gut.  You never really wanted me, not even when you thought you maybe did, all you ever wanted was someone.  I just happened to be the girl dumb enough to put up with the shit time & time again for a year hoping each time would be different.  I never wanted to change who you were, & despite what you may be thinking, I still don't.  You have a great personality Mr. Fireman.  You're funny, hard working, smart, charming, & handsome as all get out.  At nearly 32 though you still have some shit to sort out & some growing up to do...therein lies the problem.  I'm not writing this to try to make you feel guilty or bad for me.  I just needed to let you know why I need to fully let go for good this time.  I can't spend my time wishing, if even in the back of my mind, that you'll suddenly decide you made some mistake tossing me to the side & come running after me.  Life doesn't work that way.  The Notebook & all other romance movies are horse shit.  I do however want to thank you for absolutely everything.  Everytime you made me laugh.  Everytime you did something, small or large, that let me know you cared.  Everytime you made me cry.  Every lesson I was forced to learn over the past year, whether I wanted to learn it or not.  I will forever be grateful for every last thing.  A year ago I would've never guessed that we'd be here.  Hell, I never even thought we'd meet.  Then, I never thought you'd keep talking to me after I left, that you'd break my heart, only to come around again, and again.  I won't pretend I've enjoyed every moment of our little rollercoaster ride over the past year.  I definitely wish it was ending differently, or not ending at all.  However, I want you to know that I don't for one second regret a single moment, even the mistakes were worth it.  I'm not going to boot you from my life because I'm not 12.  But I also can't ever be apart of another off & on again, are we or aren't we, friends with benefits type situation.  No matter what happens from here on out, whether we never speak again or end up talking daily, I need you to know that I'm so glad I met you & I will always care about you.  Never forget that if you need someone to talk to, cry to, help you, or drive you truck around I'm a phone call or text message away.

Love,

Brianne Kay

**Disclaimer...I wrote this post a week ago...now that I have had time to calm down I simply don't really give a fuck anymore.  I'm still annoyed but I'm not over here crying about it.  It's in a box with other shit that I have to give him & it's taped up so I can't remove it.  Although I do plan on trying to sleep with him at least once more before he reads it.  I like getting laid...sue me.**

Me too Britney...me too...

I Hate Him Because I Loved Him & He Let Me Down

H is for Heartbreak

I'm back on my Dawson's Creek binge (so close to done) & this quote came up when one of the characters gets dumped.  I don't care how cheesy that show is sometimes most of the time, sometimes it's just flat out accurate.


"[What is...] that stupid fantasy that you have where the guy

 that broke your heart suddenly realizes he made the biggest

 mistake of his life & he finds you where ever you are, comes 

running up to you and says I can't live without you, you are 

my entire universe and if you don't take me back right now I

 will never love anyone again.  Where does this fantasy come

 from?...The truth is someone always gets hurt worse in 

every breakup."

One of Those Days

Today is just one of those days that I want to skip. 

For starters today is January 18th, which to everyone else is no big deal.  I can honestly say I didn't even think about what today was until I was writing up notes last night for class today & put the date on top.  Yesterday marked exactly 3 months since Branden & I broke up.  Today would have been our 5 year anniversary.  I'm not crying.  I don't feel like crying about it.  It's just more of a numb feeling.  One of those, a year really does change things, moments. 

Mostly I just can't believe that we would have been together that long.  That's almost 1/4 of my life and about 1/5 of his.  The thing is except for the fact that we aren't together...we are.  When we first broke up we saw each other about once every 2 weeks.  Then it was about once a week.  Now sometimes it can be multiple times a week.  I know that's probably unhealthy.  But we are each other's best friends & we both know we aren't together & may never be together again.  Neither of us wants to date, each other or otherwise.  He is deploying in about 4 months & I just want to be selfish for the first time in my life & do what I wanna do when I wanna do it.  So I guess today is so weird because while it sometimes feels like nothing has changed, it has.  Instead of celebrating 5 years together it's just another day.

Today I have also realized that my favorite roommate/one of my best friends and I...are slowly becoming, well not friends.  Today we walked to school together & between that & getting ready in the morning we said less than 20 words to each other...total.  She has a boyfriend now, which I know right away it's just going to sound like I'm jealous but I'm not, I'm more annoyed & pissed off at who she has become.

When single she always complained about how are other 2 roommates were always with their boyfriends & never around.  How much she hated girls that were like that, girls that suddenly ditched their friends because they had boyfriends.  Hated girls that would break plans with their friends to be with guys.  Girls that only talked about their boyfriends.  Girls that couldn't be without their boyfriends even if they were hanging out with their girlfriends.  Well, that is who she is.  I am so angry at her not because she has a boyfriend but because of the gigantic hypocrit that she has become.  Before they were even offically together she was already breaking plans or trying to make sure that he was included in everything right down to "girls night".  They spend nearly everyday together, even more so that they are together.  She has no real stories except for about him because she no longer does anything except spend time with him.

I hate the giant hypocrit that she has become & the fact that she has become one of those girls.  I can honestly say that when Branden & I were dating we really only did see each other about once or twice a week.  That if I had plans with the girls, I did not break them or try to shorten them so that I could spend time with him.  That I did have a life outside of him so I was not always Branden this Branden that.  So me saying that I hate those kind of girls isn't a "I'm jealous & just saying that" sort of thing.  It's a legit girls need a life outside of just being with her boyfriend or they become ultra lame.

I also hate that I feel like she is dating him just to have a boyfriend.  When they weren't offical she would come home & have multiple negative things to say about him.  That he smokes, that he's immature, that his friends are ALWAYS at the bar, that he doesn't discipline his dog & if he can't do that then how would he be with kids.  That she doesn't date just to date so that these are big issues that can't just be ignored so that they can date for a short time.  A couple days later, they are together.  Talk about a big WTF.

Ok that's probably long enough.  Today is one of those days where I'm on the "I can't wait to move back to Mora" side of the fence.

Taylor Swift Knows Me So Well

I love Taylor Swift. I think she has an amazing voice & I love that she writes her own music. It also doesn't help that we seem to be living parallel lives. Seriously though her albums always seem to be my life.

Her first album, Taylor Swift, was released the day after my 18th birthday. I was getting ready to graduate high school and had been dating Branden for about 9 months. (RD: 10/24/06)
4. A Place In This World - Let's be honest, who doesn't feel a little lost from time to time? Especially when they are about to embark on a new chapter in their life.
10. Mary's Song - Branden & I didn't know each other our whole lives & neither did our parents. Honestly this song started getting to me because I was in love & a little bit literal & so the fact that she's 2 years younger than the guy & they grow old together... yeah this song always made/makes me think of Branden.
11. Our Song - Branden & I never had a song so this one instantly stuck out to me & I fell in love. I felt something like that was more our song than any real song.

Her second album, Fearless, came out when I was 20 years old, living with Branden, & a month away from getting dumped for 9 months. I listened to this song on repeat for months after we broke up. (RD: 11/11/08)
5. White Horse - Pretty much just how I felt about the break-up
7. Breathe - This song caused me to sob uncontrollably multiple times while in the car. I had to stop playing it while driving.
9. You're Not Sorry - This was my I'm pissed off that you broke up with me song.
10. The Way I Loved You - Once I started talking to guys, even guys I was potentially interested in... this was how I felt.
11. Forever & Always - See #5

And now here third album is out, Speak Now. I am 22 years old, it came out 2 days after my birthday and a week after we broke up, probably for good. Hello repeat for months again... (RD: 10/25/10) *Ignore the quality of these songs. It just came out so most are pitched due to copyrighte*
3. Back To December - All of these just basically describe how I feel about the break-up
5. Dear John - See #3
7. The Story of Us - See #3
12. Haunted - See #3
13. Last Kiss - The song that finally made me start crying for the first time since we broke up.

The Longest Week Ever

Normally I would do Five For Fridays today & I might still do some form of that again starting next week but until I think of a filler, they are done.

This week has been the longest week of my life. I feel that is in part because I have been so excited for my birthday tomorrow & also because of my recent break-up. Not only did that sort of put me in not the happiest mood (although I must say I'm doing 100x better than the first time) but also I had nothing to break up my week.

Normally Branden & I would have hung out all night Sunday, but instead he came over for about 45 min so we could break-up & talk. We also would have seen each other Tuesday (which happened to be the longest night of my life). Instead I had nothing to do from about 11am until 9pm when Teen Mom finally came on. Those hours dragged on & on.

Needless to say I am so happy it's Friday. I'm not so happy that it's 6:30am when I'm typing this. I have not been sleeping well & after tossing & turning for the past hour-hour & a half I gave up & decided to blog & do a little homework. Today I have class 11-3 so that will keep me busy. I also need to go in & talk to my boss about some missing hours & maybe do some errands with the roommate. Then, at 7 Branden is still taking me to dinner for my birthday.

We have still been talking everyday, definitely not like we used to or even as much but we have exchanged a few texts everyday. He has been my best friend for over 5 years & yet I am nervous to see him tonight. I'm not even exactly sure why. Like nervous to the point where I have been feeling butterflys, not like the lovey dovey first date kind but you get the idea, pretty constantly since yesterday afternoon. We haven't seen each other since Sunday but we have been talking. Also, I never felt this way about seeing him last time we broke up. Granted the last time we broke up it was like nothing really changed, we hung out all the time & still did couple stuff. Last time I was also hoping with everything I had that we would get back together. I think I'm just afraid that it's going to be awkward even though it doesn't need to be.

I also get to look forward to a verbal lashing on Monday from my least favorite professor of all time. She is a royal bitch with unclear expectations & seems to have it out for the girls in my class & for some reason me personally. It may sound a little paranoid but just from talking to others in the class on the grades they are getting on assignments & what they are putting into them, she definitely seems to be unfair. I have even had people from class tell me that she seems to call me out more than anyone else. She has no reason either. I participate as much as anybody, I pay attention, and it's not like I'm being obnoxious or distracting. Because of the way I act when I feel attacked one of two things is going to happen on Monday, I'm going to start bawling in her office or start yelling right back & walk out. ... Can't wait.

It's Over

As of last night Branden & I aren't together anymore. It really sucks & it hurts but the more I think about it the more I know that it's for the best. No one is to blame, no one did anything awful we just fell apart. As of right now in life we don't want the same things for the future. I want marriage & kids, he doesn't. I think it was because of this that we started distancing ourselves from each other. It kind of came down to are we together because we love each other & this is what we want out of life or are we together because we care a lot about each other & we've been together for so long that it's comfortable.

People keep asking if we'll get back together. Honestly, as much as I do care about him & love him still, as long as he doesn't want marriage & kids it's simply not going to happen. Those are 2 things I am not going to give up & 2 things he shouldn't have to do if he doesn't want them. We have been best friends/together for so long that we do always want to be a part of each others' lives somehow whether that means still hanging out from time to time or just a random hey how have you been. Obviously it's going to be hard & awkward at first but I feel like since we both knew this needed to happen & we're both so busy anyway that it would be easier than if we had been seeing each other everyday & one of us had been blindsided by the break-up.



Not that I'm making excuses for him, because his reasons are valid, but I feel like the reason that it actually came up was because he now knows when he is deploying. He was saying that he was thinking at drill this past weekend that he's going to be leaving soon & since he doesn't want to get married that it wasn't fair to make me wait & put me through all of that if it wasn't going to end how I wanted it to. Which is fair but together or not, he was such a big part of my life that it's not like I'm not going to care or worry about him while he's gone. Him getting back from deployment was sort of my deadline anyway. If nothing had changed in his views on marriage or kids when he came back that would be it because I wasn't going to wait around any longer. And let's be honest, you don't think that way if you're 100% in it anyway.

We broke up once before, Dec 08-Aug 09. I feel like this time was much more mature which makes me happy because even though it's going to be weird & awkward for awhile we can still talk without one of us (aka me being) all emotional & hoping that he'll change his mind. This time, even though he initiated it, it was more mutual. I didn't try to fight him on it or change his mind because I knew he was right. Would I love for him to be the one? Of course I would. But only if marriage & kids is what he really wants. So I guess I'll just go with if it's meant to be it'll happen. If it's not then it was better to end it now then after 1.5+ more years & going through a deployment.

I could go one but I'll stop because that's the basics of it.