It's about to get real up in here. Approximately a year ago today is when everything with Mr. Fireman began...and now it's come full circle. On 5/25/13 we first started talking. On 6/1/13 we met. On 6/4/13 we went on our first official date. In the year that followed there was happiness & heartbreak...more than once. It's all over now. After sleeping with him a couple of weeks ago I decided it was time to get off the rollercoaster ride.
I needed to write out my goodbye to him so I could get it out & now I need to write it here so that I can look back should I ever choose to. I thought about turning off comments for this post but decided I didn't care. Comment or don't. You can't turn off opinions in the real world so I'm not going to try to do so here.
Mr. Fireman -
So basically my internal battle for the past couple of months, and really the past few days, has been whether or not to tell you to "come fuck me" or "go fuck yourself." I've decided to land somewhere in the middle. I hate that you made me feel used & I hate that I was stupid enough to let you back in after you spent a month & a half not speaking to me. Not that it really matters because you clearly feel as if it was a mistake too, but I really can't do this again. I will not play round 3 of "are we or aren't we?" It's all or nothing. You don't have to tell me your choice because we both know the answer to that. It's probably for the best anyway. That blind trust I had for you when we first met has been shattered over & over again. I really don't even know what hurts the most. I don't know if it's just how stupid of a girl I turned out to be (the one I said I'd never be again) or the feeling of being used by someone who is supposed to care about me. I don't know if it's despite giving you everything I had you still didn't want me or if it's that I wanted you so badly I thought my everything & a million chances would be enough. Truth be told I knew your answer back in July when I asked you if I was just a rebound & you didn't have an answer. I was just too stubborn & hopeful to listen to my gut. You never really wanted me, not even when you thought you maybe did, all you ever wanted was someone. I just happened to be the girl dumb enough to put up with the shit time & time again for a year hoping each time would be different. I never wanted to change who you were, & despite what you may be thinking, I still don't. You have a great personality Mr. Fireman. You're funny, hard working, smart, charming, & handsome as all get out. At nearly 32 though you still have some shit to sort out & some growing up to do...therein lies the problem. I'm not writing this to try to make you feel guilty or bad for me. I just needed to let you know why I need to fully let go for good this time. I can't spend my time wishing, if even in the back of my mind, that you'll suddenly decide you made some mistake tossing me to the side & come running after me. Life doesn't work that way. The Notebook & all other romance movies are horse shit. I do however want to thank you for absolutely everything. Everytime you made me laugh. Everytime you did something, small or large, that let me know you cared. Everytime you made me cry. Every lesson I was forced to learn over the past year, whether I wanted to learn it or not. I will forever be grateful for every last thing. A year ago I would've never guessed that we'd be here. Hell, I never even thought we'd meet. Then, I never thought you'd keep talking to me after I left, that you'd break my heart, only to come around again, and again. I won't pretend I've enjoyed every moment of our little rollercoaster ride over the past year. I definitely wish it was ending differently, or not ending at all. However, I want you to know that I don't for one second regret a single moment, even the mistakes were worth it. I'm not going to boot you from my life because I'm not 12. But I also can't ever be apart of another off & on again, are we or aren't we, friends with benefits type situation. No matter what happens from here on out, whether we never speak again or end up talking daily, I need you to know that I'm so glad I met you & I will always care about you. Never forget that if you need someone to talk to, cry to, help you, or drive you truck around I'm a phone call or text message away.
**Disclaimer...I wrote this post a week ago...now that I have had time to calm down I simply don't really give a fuck anymore. I'm still annoyed but I'm not over here crying about it. It's in a box with other shit that I have to give him & it's taped up so I can't remove it. Although I do plan on trying to sleep with him at least once more before he reads it. I like getting laid...sue me.**
Me too Britney...me too...
Me too Britney...me too...