Thursday, January 22, 2015

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose

I'm alone, quite a bit.  My favorite alone time though is being in the car.  It has been since I was 16.  Don't get me wrong I love going on trips with friends & all that jazz but Lord I love being alone in the car.  I can listen to what I want, stop when I want, stop where I want, do whatever I want.  Being alone in the car though, especially on longer drives, gives me a lot of time to think.

Last weekend I was driving up to Dallas to visit Mr. & Mrs. Hipster when I lost it.  As many people know, I'm not happy in Houston.  It's not what it was when I moved down here, it's not the Texas I fell in love with both in reality & in my head, & back in the fall I made the decision to move back to Minnesota at the end of the year.

I have been so happy with that decision since I made it.  I have been impatiently waiting for the end of the year to arrive so I can move back.  I was sad to leave Minnesota after both Thanksgiving & Christmas.  I have gotten excited thinking about all of the exciting changes that will come when I move back.  I've been happy knowing that I will be so much closer to my friends & family, knowing that I won't have to miss the little or big things anymore.

But then I was maybe an hour into my drive from Houston to Dallas & I started crying.  I don't love Houston.  I've never loved Houston.  I loved living in Texas.  I loved the friends I made...the ones that all left.  I feel the same way when I'm in between Houston & Dallas as I do when I'm in between Houston & Austin.  I feel like I can breathe.  I feel like that's the Texas I love.  I'm not meant for the city.  I'm made for the in between.  Even typing it out now makes me cry.  I haven't even left yet & I miss Texas.  Or at least I miss the romanticized version of Texas I have in my head.  I love Texas & will always love Texas.

So now I feel like I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place.  That once again I'm choosing between Texas & family.  That I've made such a big deal about moving back to MN & have been so adamant that I'm doing it that I don't have a choice.  That if I stay there is so much I'm going to miss.  That if I leave I'm going to have some piece of  me missing.  That I'm too old to be this unsure of where I want to be in life & can't keep bouncing around from place to place.  That if I leave I'll end up coming back in a year (which my parents already think is going to happen because they couldn't believe I was leaving Texas when I always said I'd never leave.)  Staying vs. leaving also keeps bringing me back to this article I posted about being too comfortable.

I still want to try to live this year, & my life, in the here & now so I guess I'll see what life throws at me when it's closer.  I really wish life had an answer key though...


  1. I think that you're like me a little in that you are a happy person, and that means you are happy in different places. Which is great, but also makes these kid of decisions really hard.

  2. I'm sorry you are dealing with this - I honestly have no advice. It's hard no matter what - different cities, states or countries - It's hard when you love a place, whether it's because of the people there or the actual place.. It's so hard.

  3. First, you always have a choice even if the choice was to say the decision I made before was wrong for me, I changed my mind.

    Second, I think it's normal to miss a place even if it wasn't perfect for you. Sometimes I miss what I thought the place would be even though I don't miss the place that really was.

  4. This must be a hard one. I say go with whatever your heart tells you. If the decision is wrong you can always turn back. Its the beauty of life :)

  5. Even if you do decide to move back, that doesn't make your decision now right or wrong. It's life and the best part is free will to do whatever we want. It was a difficult lesson to learn that even when my parents expected something, it didn't matter if they were wrong or right, what mattered was my happiness.