I'm alone, quite a bit. My favorite alone time though is being in the car. It has been since I was 16. Don't get me wrong I love going on trips with friends & all that jazz but Lord I love being alone in the car. I can listen to what I want, stop when I want, stop where I want, do whatever I want. Being alone in the car though, especially on longer drives, gives me a lot of time to think.
Last weekend I was driving up to Dallas to visit Mr. & Mrs. Hipster when I lost it. As many people know, I'm not happy in Houston. It's not what it was when I moved down here, it's not the Texas I fell in love with both in reality & in my head, & back in the fall I made the decision to move back to Minnesota at the end of the year.
I have been so happy with that decision since I made it. I have been impatiently waiting for the end of the year to arrive so I can move back. I was sad to leave Minnesota after both Thanksgiving & Christmas. I have gotten excited thinking about all of the exciting changes that will come when I move back. I've been happy knowing that I will be so much closer to my friends & family, knowing that I won't have to miss the little or big things anymore.
But then I was maybe an hour into my drive from Houston to Dallas & I started crying. I don't love Houston. I've never loved Houston. I loved living in Texas. I loved the friends I made...the ones that all left. I feel the same way when I'm in between Houston & Dallas as I do when I'm in between Houston & Austin. I feel like I can breathe. I feel like that's the Texas I love. I'm not meant for the city. I'm made for the in between. Even typing it out now makes me cry. I haven't even left yet & I miss Texas. Or at least I miss the romanticized version of Texas I have in my head. I love Texas & will always love Texas.
So now I feel like I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place. That once again I'm choosing between Texas & family. That I've made such a big deal about moving back to MN & have been so adamant that I'm doing it that I don't have a choice. That if I stay there is so much I'm going to miss. That if I leave I'm going to have some piece of me missing. That I'm too old to be this unsure of where I want to be in life & can't keep bouncing around from place to place. That if I leave I'll end up coming back in a year (which my parents already think is going to happen because they couldn't believe I was leaving Texas when I always said I'd never leave.) Staying vs. leaving also keeps bringing me back to this article I posted about being too comfortable.
I still want to try to live this year, & my life, in the here & now so I guess I'll see what life throws at me when it's closer. I really wish life had an answer key though...