Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Decisions Have Been Made

I haven't done this (blog about something that isn't a link or or list) in awhile so pardon me if I'm rusty...or if it gets long (I have a lot of feelings...and a lot of you haven't been around since I moved down here!)

I feel as if old chapters are ending & new chapters are beginning all over blogland lately.  Tiffany over at Figuring Out The Plot is about to end her single ladyhood & leave College Station to spend the rest of her life with The Boy From Texas.  Whitney over at I Wore Yoga Pants is about to move across the country from Florida to Colorado to be with Bear.  Rachael from The Rachael Way?  That girl didn't just move somewhere else within her state or within the country; no that girl moved across the WORLD!  She's teaching in CHINA y'all!  And now...now it's my turn.  I may not be moving for a specific job & I'm definitely not moving for a boy as I am still single as fuck...but plans are in the works for me to say goodbye to Texas.

On January 2, 2012 I packed up my car & headed south for Houston, Texas.  I was about to start 4 months of student teaching.  I was going to be moving into a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment with 2 guys & 1 other girl that I had never met before.  In fact, I didn't know a soul in Houston.  I had never wanted to do my student teaching in Minnesota...I wanted to see somewhere new.  Houston wasn't exactly my first option either though.  My first option was South Africa (but money) & my second option was somewhere in Europe (but again...money).  So, Texas won.  It was also pretty much a guaranteed job offer afterwards.  To this day, that 4 month experience is probably my favorite 4 month period ever.  We took full advantage of Houston/Texas not knowing if any of us would ever return.

When I packed up my car once again at the end of April to go back to Minnesota for graduation & await job offers from all across the country I cried, a lot.  I wanted so badly to return.  I had had so much fun, made amazing friends, & for those of you that either live in or have been to Texas you know that there is just something that draws you there that cannot be explained.  I got a phone call in early June with a job offer in the same district I had done my student teaching.  I accepted.  Partly because I had had no other offers & partly because the money was good.  I hung up the phone & bawled my eyes out, again (I cry a lot y'all).  You see at that point I had decided I wanted to stay Minnesota.  It's where everything I knew & loved was.  It was home.  Plus my 2 favorite out of the 3 roommates I had wouldn't be returning to Texas.

I packed up yet again in August & moved back down to Texas.  By the end of my first year though, (we're in June of 2013 at this point if you're lost) I was in love.  Not with my job, I tried desperately to get a job at any other district in Texas, Georgia, or Tennessee, but with everything else.  I had made amazing friends, I was in love with all things Texas, & had just met Mr. Fireman who I was instantly in love with.  I didn't get a new job so I kept my apartment & headed home for most of the summer before I would eventually return to Houston to start my 2nd year.  My 2nd year was definitely different.  Still didn't like the job, still loved my friends (although 3 of them had left), & Mr. Fireman & I had a whirlwind of a year...& not a romantic whirlwind either.  At the end of year 2 though I was still convinced I was staying in Texas.  I only applied in the Dallas & Houston areas.  Mr. Fireman & I weren't on bad terms but we weren't as good as we had once been...we were on slightly awkward terms if anything.  I didn't get a new job, 2 more friends left Houston completely, & another left the district.

And now here I am.  It's the beginning of week 7 of my 3rd year & I've known since the end of week 3 that I was ready to move back to Minnesota.  It's a feeling that when I first started I never thought I'd have.  In fact I've told multiple people, numerous times, that I'd never move back to Minnesota; that I love Texas.  But the thing is, while I do love Texas, I think I more love the romantic idea of Texas, I love the people that made Texas what it is for me.  I used to question, and you guessed it cry, all the time about how does one choose between the people they love & a life they love.  It was my friends that made it a life I loved though & now they've all left.  I hardly ever do any of the things that made me fall in love with Texas in the first place anymore.  

As Kristen at See You In A Porridge so perfectly put it "...it's not choosing the country, really.  It's choosing between the people."  It's never truly been do I love Minnesota or Texas more, because they both honestly have pretty equivalent pros & cons.  It's all come down to people.  Let me first make one thing clear, my family is hands down THE most important thing to me & the friends I made in college are unlike any I've made before or since.  However, they were are an unconditional love.  I knew they'd always be there...my Texas friends may not.  As long as I lived in Texas I would always be returning to Minnesota for one reason or another but if I moved back to Minnesota would the reverse be true?  

Well, there is now exactly one person I will wholeheartedly miss in Houston & it makes me so sad to say that no amount of love on my part makes it worth it.  I am so tired of missing all of the small things, & even some of the big things, back home because I'm so far away.  I'm tired of having friends that I chose because they were there (as shitty as that sounds).  My Minnesota friends I chose because they are who I completely enjoy being around.  They're the ones that out of the hundreds of people I went to high school with, the thousands of people I went to college with, the ones I met at WeFest, the ones that despite all of my options I chose.  They get me.  My friends left here, with the exception of that one person, are people that I more made friends with because they were some of the very very few I saw on a regular basis at work & were similar in age.

In case you don't know who that one person left is, it's Mr. Fireman.  And even though we're actually on pretty damn good terms right now, it's never going anywhere that will make me happy in the long run.  He is 32 years old, we've known each other & been partaking in the "it's complicated, is what it is" relationship for close to a year & a half now, nothing is going to change.  As much as I would love for it to happen, there is no moving forward for us.  This is as far as this relationship goes & I cannot justify staying in Houston for that reason alone.

And if any of you are actually still reading this novel a)props to you...if I had any I'd give you a big ass cookie & b)I suppose you'd like to know my plan.

At the end of this school year I will be returning to Minnesota.  I will apply for teaching jobs & if I get a full time job there, will go to school part time.  If I don't get one I will go to school more full time & sub as well as bartend/serve.  I am also not going to school for anything in the education field.  I'm going to get a degree in something related to public relations with a minor in sports management.  The only thing that would stop this plan if I absolutely could not make it happen financially.  In which case...please get me a new job here damn it!

Ok done...see why I rarely do this...when I write...I write.


  1. Oh girl, I totally understand the need for change. But let me tell you this: moving to China was the best thing I've ever done for myself. EVER. I am in love with the person I am here... so my advice is do it. Change is so good. Sending you good vibes! xo

  2. Good for you girl! I completely understand----you leave home thinking you never want to go back, only to realize that home can be pretty great. It's hard to be so far away and miss things there. I predict that you will not regret it for one second. And Texas will always be here for you to come back and visit!

  3. i love this - so raw and honest and beautiful...thanks for sharing.

    in your heart of hearts, you're doing the right thing by moving back and being where you feel is truly home. the friends you made while in texas are great but you know where home truly is which is in MN. don't worry about not being able to find a job - seems like you got things planned out which is the important part and not dwelling on the unknown. the best thing you can do is what you did when you left for texas - try, take the risk and make the best of it. while some things didn't really work out (mr. fireman), some did (met some nice people along the way while gaining valuable teaching experience) you learned a little more about yourself and that's the important part! so now you know that moving to a different state isn't so bad after all and that you're strong enough to withstand being away from a place you call home for a few years and survive :)

    love this post!!

    Vodka and Soda

  4. It sounds like you're doing the right thing.

    This entire experience has made you stronger, and realizing where you belong is awesome.

    Good luck!

  5. it sounds like you're doing the best thing for you, and if you're happy thats all that matters. moving away is flippin hard, and moving back is harder. i feel like if i were to move back now, my US people would be like, um so you dont like us anymore? but my aussie people will always know i love them no matter where i live. you know? anyway.Yay for going to school to follow new dreams - you got this!

  6. Take it from someone who has moved a lot! Great to experience different areas but you always know in your heart where you are suppose to be :-)

  7. You're definitely doing the right thing, even if it's scary! Life is too short to spend it with people or in situations or places that make you feel anything less than amazing!!!

  8. I only recently started following your blog, but coming from someone who has moved across the country and now the world, if your heart is telling you to make the move then it is the right thing to do. Everyone around you that knows and loves you will support you no matter what - as long as you are doing what makes you happy. :)

    On another note, I moved for a job in the NFL, and then moved to be closer to family and out of sports so if you ever need someone to chat with about sports management - I'm all ears!

  9. Sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to be doing for you!

  10. I love this non-link up post! I could tell even just stopping in for random posts that your true heart was in Minnesota. When someone's counting down (as often as you were) until they go back to a completely different STATE, there's something to be said. I'm glad that things are working out for you!
    Michael Crazytragic{almost}Magic