I had a post started, well titled with no content, that I planned on writing & publishing 2 weeks ago when I got back to Minnesota. The title was "Who Says You Can't Go Home" but then I never wrote it. Then, I just enjoyed being home for a week. Then, I went back to Texas with my mom to get the remainder of my stuff. Then, I fell into a funk. Well, actually the funk started as I was back in Houston.
I didn't plan on writing today. Yesterday I decided I needed to work myself out of this funk so I created a to do list. One of those things was catch up on blogs (after I post this I'm off to read!) One of the things was to create a blog plan. However, start journaling & write a post for today were not on that list. But then I sat there watching the sun come up & starting a journal seemed like a good idea. And then publishing what I wrote in the journal seemed like a good place to start in my blog plan.
I thought about titling this post "Monday Morning Coffee" because it is Monday after all & that's what every Monday post since January 7, 2019 has been titled. But it didn't seem right. This post isn't just a recap of my weekend. It is straight up right out of my journal. Once again, I won't make promises to post daily, weekly, or even monthly. It's been nearly 6 weeks since I last posted. That wasn't intentional but I refuse to force anything anymore.
That was a very long winded intro to what I came here to post:
I set lots of goals. I start lots of goals. I'm not always the best at finishing said goals. So far 2021 has had some major life changes though: leaving Danny. Living alone for the first time in 1.5 years. Resigning from my job w/o a new one lined up. Leaving Texas. Moving back in with my parents. Deciding to stop applying for full time teaching jobs. These changes are good for me. I know they are & there were decisions I made all on my own so I could can become the best version of myself can possibly be. So I can find the good parts of myself I lost somewhere over the past couple of years. So I can discover new parts of myself that will make my life even better.
Despite all of that I found myself in a funk. While it's completely understandable & I wouldn't fault anyone for feeling the way I am if they were in my position, I need to get myself out of the funk before it spirals further. The unknown is scary & I can feel it causing anxiety to rise & turn into depression. So, it ends today.
If this year has taught me anything it's that healing & growth aren't linear. I know there will still be hard days & somedays I might feel like I'm taking 3 steps back, but I need to make a conscience effort to keep moving forward. So for at least the next 30 days, maybe longer, I'm going to tackle a daily to do list. Some things will be constant like drink my water, read, gratitude journal, etc. & some things will vary day to day based on what needs to get done.
The goal is to change my habits. To create better habits. To become the person I know I'm capable of being. The perfectionist in me also wants to make it a goal to check off all of the items everyday. However, that's not always going to be possible, & that's ok. I'm going to give myself grace. As long as I'm making an effort, whatever gets done gets done. What doesn't can be let go or added to the next day. No more sitting still. The next chapter starts now.
