Saturday, July 17, 2010

Living In The Present

This is actually my third attempt at this post. I've been wanting to write it I just haven't known what to say. I guess I still don't but I'm just going to roll with it & see where it takes me.

Living in the now is something that I struggle with greatly. Between the past, present, & future, I'm usually trying to figure out the future. A large part of that comes from the fact that I'm a planner. It is just what I do. Sometimes on purpose, other times subconsciously.

Trips for example? I don't care who is going, where we're going, how long, or when we're going. I need to plan it. Need need need to. The where we're staying, how long we're driving, what we should see when we get there as well as along the way. My upcoming trip to Vegas (7/19-7/22) is the first time that I have let this go. Why? It's not really my trip. I'm just along for the ride. The odd thing is that I've always wanted to just get in my car & drive with no destination in mind. Sometimes that still crosses my mind & I get all excited. But then the practical side of me comes out & says that's just not smart, you need some sort of plan.

Other times, when it has nothing to do with trips or school or important things that should/need to be planned by a certain date, I find myself planning anyway. Such as my wedding, where I'll be living, working. Sure everyone thinks about those things... but I PLAN them. Granted it changes from time to time but I try to figure out where I'll be living when I graduate, where I'll be teaching, where Branden will be working, when a good time for us to get married is, EXACTLY how I want my wedding down to the stupid little details. Then I have to stop myself because I know I'm being ridiculous. The future isn't something you can plan. The future is unknown.

I am constantly looking at the teaching jobs that are posted on my college's website. I don't even graduate for two more years. Still I like to get an idea of how the teaching market is & if I'm going to need to move out of state or find a different job. If I were to graduate tomorrow for instance... I would definitely be moving out of state or getting a different job temporarily. I've also been bit by the baby & wedding bug again so of course I try to plan all of that. I plan so much that I drive myself crazy sometimes & just force myself to stop because I'm being unrealistic.

As far as the past goes... lately I've been feeling nostalgic. I keep driving by things or seeing thins that remind me of past events, high school mostly, & I think about how bad I wanted to get out, & while I wouldn't go back to high school for anything... I am beginning to miss it & how things were. Not that my life isn't great now, it definitely is. I love where things are in my life now. But sometimes, I just miss how fun & easy it was. I miss how carefree it was & the crazy things my friends & I got into.

I found this quote that I think pretty much sums up the past, present, & future:

"I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is"
-Alan Watts if only I could actually remember that & try to enjoy the present more often.


  1. I know what you mean. My fiancee comes home from deployment in 2 months and that's all I can think about. It's been nice focusing on myself for 10 months now, but I'm just ready to start our future. I'm trying to enjoy the summer with friends and family, but like you said it's hard not to look forward. You can do it though!

  2. We have the same birthday!

    I know what you mean, it's so hard not to worry about the future, especially when you are young and unsure about jobs, love, where you want to live, etc. etc.