Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Day I Made One Of The Hardest Decisions Of My Life

Mr. Fireman & I met online.  We started talking Memorial Day weekend & met a week later when I was out dancing with a friend.  We instantly clicked.  We went on another date, then another, & another and then I left to go back to Minnesota for a month.  We talked everyday while I was gone.  I came back for a week & we hung out everyday that he didn't have to work before I headed back to Minnesota for another month.  We spent pretty much a whole week together before I headed back to work and then spent a month being a normal couple that only hangs out every so often because we're grown-ups with jobs and don't live together.  Then on September 8 I made the hardest decision of my life and broke up with we are nearly 3 weeks later & I still cry about it almost daily.

Super long story turned fairly short:
When Mr. Fireman gets super stressed he gets short & distant...on 2 occasions we didn't talk for nearly 2 full days because of this.
When I met Mr. Fireman he had very recently (3-4 months recent) gotten out of a 6.5 year on & off again relationship...needless to say when we met he wasn't looking for the real deal & never thought we'd turn out like we did (ditto ...I never thought we'd even actually meet because I was leaving like 2 weeks after we started talking let alone click so well we talked daily about anything & everything.)
Mr. Fireman was not actually going out on dates with anyone else but was still on previously mentioned dating website talking to other people.

I snapped.  I hadn't seen him in a week due to him working everyday (24 on 24 off is a joke Mr. George Strait...).  We had been talking on Saturday & I asked him if he wanted to be the first to ride in my new car & he gladly accepted.  I text him the next morning saying good morning, a few hours later I get a good afternoon, I ask him how is day is...nothing...a few hours later I ask him if he wants to do something...nothing...a few hours later I get I'm going to stay in & do some things around the house.  I say so no?  I get back yeah sorry...blah blah blah...I snap & go on that site...I see that not only had he been on that day he had uploaded a new picture like a week & a half ago...which was the last time he started getting weird on me.  So I text him asking if I can just go over & get the couple of things I had there & he said yes.

I show up raging & fighting back tears thinking that this is all because he's just not into it & whatever.  He instantly knows something is wrong when he sees me & we go inside to talk.  I start shaking & tell him I can't do this anymore & tell him it's not fair that I'm on an emotional roller coaster every time he gets short or distant thinking I did something.  He gets real quiet & I ask him if he's ok...he just sat there & said I don't know so I go sit by him which led to both of crying for quite awhile about him being stressed/depressed, caring about each other, & wanting to be with each other.  I had told him that I didn't think he was ready for a relationship & he agreed.  He told me about talking to his co-workers & brother about me & how is brother thinks I'm awesome & that he should hold onto me...and that his co-workers think he's an idiot for being confused on what to do because if I'm as perfect as he says I am he'd be stupid to walk away.

After hearing all of this I still couldn't get myself to back track...I guess part of me was hoping that he'd just stop me...say I was making a mistake...but as I'm sure we all know life isn't really a movie or a country song.  So I took him for a ride in my car, we just hung out for awhile watching football, & then I tried to leave for another hour & a half.  During that last hour & a half we cried a lot more, talked about how much the other one means to us, how great everything was, about issues we each personally have, issues with exes, & what would happen next...I remember saying over & over that I was afraid that if I walked out the door we'd be over for good.  I remember him saying it didn't have to be...that we could still hang out, still go to movies, still go to dinner.  I remember telling him I couldn't do that because it would be like nothing changed.  He asked if he could still text me at some point to see how I was doing...I told him yes because I still wanted to know how he was doing & didn't want to leave him high and dry when he thinks he's depressed.  So I finally walk out the door bawling & sit in my car & bawl some more.  I look up & see him standing in his garage doorway & instead of getting out of my car and taking it back...I drove off.

When I got home we had the following text conversation:
Me: Thank you for everything.  I really do wanna know that you're doing ok & know that if you ever really do need someone even just to talk I'm here for you.
Fireman: I appreciate that.  You are a great person don't ever think otherwise.
M: So are you & as much as I want you to come after me someday...should my life not turn into a movie...know that you deserve nothing short of perfect & to be completely happy.
F: Wow that is one of the nicest things I have ever heard anyone say.  You are awesome with a great heart.

And I meant it...I still mean it... I wasn't going to but I text him 5 days later about a raccoon & he responded.  I text him 4 days after that to see how he was doing & if he'd be cool with meeting up at some point in the next week or 2 so I could just know for sure if it was an over over thing or if I had said what I really wanted to that night if we could work it out.  He text me 3 days after that saying he'd be cool with that & said he was fine and hoped I was too.  He text me 2 days after that randomly about football.  I text him 2 days later (this past Tuesday) to see if he'd be free Sunday...still nothing.

In the past nearly 3 weeks I've sat here going from heartbroken, to pissed, to wanting to tell him what I really wanted to say so I could either get closure or another shot, to thinking I'm being an idiot.

So we'll see...the story may or may not be over yet.  I just wish I knew what he was someone can go from clearly caring about you, telling you that they care & how much you mean to them, talking to others about how great you are, & crying about all of this to just not really talking...

So there's the not so short but still shortened version of my break-up.

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