Does it feel like you’ve been single forever? Feel like you’ve been alone so long that you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a plus one?
Are the last memories you have of consistent sex from high school, when your 17-year-old lover and his parents’ car was the closest you’d come to a real relationship?
These feelings aren’t rare. You aren’t a freak. You aren’t surrounded by judgmental eyes, filled with the glow of young love. If you’re being really honest with yourself — and would stop wallowing in self-pity for a minute — you’d notice that you’re really not the only one.
Your best friends are all single. Your cousins haven’t brought anyone to Thanksgiving in a few years and all those horny kids at the bar are most definitely non-committal. Most of your friends’ parents are freshly divorced and on the prowl, and there’s no line outside Tiffany’s for platinum engagement rings.
These feelings of inadequacy that come with being single aren’t unique to just you. An entire generation is feeling it and it’s because half the entire population is, just like you, f*cking single.
According to data released by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 50.2 percent of Americans 16 years and older are single.
In a report aptly titled “Selfies,” economist Edward Yardeni points out that there are more single Americans right now than at any other time. Yardeni noted that half of American adults are not married, compared to the 37.4 percent in 1976.
We’re bucking the trend and it should feel good. But sometimes it doesn’t. We’re constantly comparing our lives to that of our parents’ at our age, and that needs to stop.
Because as outdated as those years without Internet and cell phones are, so is the dating culture of the baby boomers and their predecessors. You can’t compare the technology of the different times, so why do you think you can compare the social culture?
We don’t just live in another time, but on another screen. We are the children of technology, the daughters and sons of the boom.
We’re worried about shattered iPhones more than ruined relationships. We don’t need to go out to movies when we have Netflix. We don’t need anyone because we’re perfectly content with ourselves.
So, for all of you surprised with the news, here’s just 71 reasons we’re all f*cking single.
1. Because it’s so much easier to go home with Netflix.
2. Because you’d rather send 140 characters than say three words.
3. Because we’re all just another swipe.
4. Because we can’t talk without alcohol on our breath.
5. Because we have our real face and then our Facebook.
6. Because there’s always somebody better looking on Instagram.
7. Because nude photos.
8. Because you’d rather not find out three dates and $500 later that they actually suck.
9. Because careers are more important right now.
10. Because you can’t commit to finishing a book, let alone finishing someone else’s love story.
11. Because your Seamless account doesn’t talk back.
12. Because we love our selfies more than anyone else.
13. Because you’d rather go out with your friends Friday night.
14. Because we’d have to make it Facebook official.
15. Because we’ll never be Jay and Bey.
16. Because we don’t want to admit our parents were right.
17. Because you don’t want to date someone who’s not gonna be your last.
18. Because GAMES.
19. Because he’ll never look like Tom Brady.
20. Because she’ll never look like Gisele.
21. Because you don’t want anyone to know how much “Game of Thrones” you actually watch.
22. Because we’re holding out for something better.
23. Because you like your bed the way it is… with just you in it.
24. Because filters.
25. Because no one’s taking you to brunch.
26. Because dates are a 2 am text.
27. Because it’s easy to hide behind a screen.
28. Because you don’t even know who you are.
29. Because you don’t have a job.
30. Because the only self-analysis you’ve ever done is your “about me” section on your OK Cupid profile.
31. Because dinner is awkward.
32. Because you won’t put your cell phone down.
33. Because you don’t like to compromise.
34. Because casual sex.
35. Because your pride.
36. Because there’s no reason to commit to one when we can have them all.
37. Because Snapchats have replaced real chats.
38. Because our sex will never be like “50 Shades of Grey.”
39. Because sweatpants.
40. Because we don’t feel like shaving.
41. Because shower sex doesn’t actually work.
42. Because our exes won’t stop contacting us… on some sort of social media.
43. Because there’s never just one.
44. Because no one likes to watch the same TV shows as you.
45. Because we drink too much.
46. Because we value our alone time.
47. Because we don’t like to be bothered with other problems.
48. Because a lot of people are crazy.
49. Because you’ll never love anyone else as much as you love yourself.
50. Because ordering for two on Seamless is more than our weekly budget allows.
51. Because we’ve been hurt before.
52. Because splitting the check is awkward.
53. Because we’re living at home.
54. Because the thought of “getting to know someone” means asking and answering questions — and ain’t nobody got time for that.
55. Because it’s harder to get into the club as a couple.
56. Because we know it’s just going to end.
57. Because marriage makes us want to throw up.
58. Because we’re no longer scared of being alone.
59. Because there is always something about them you don’t like.
60. Because no one is worth introducing to mom.
61. Because it’ll happen someday.
62. Because you don’t want to subject anyone to your family’s version of Thanksgiving.
63. Because you have you. (And most days, even that’s too much to handle.)
64. Because porn.
65. Because there’s always a new “Grand Theft Auto.”
66. Because no one wants to use a condom.
67. Because no one knows what they want.
68. Because timing is never right.
69. Because it’s easier to just stop texting.
70. Because sitting on the couch without pants on watching reruns of “Bob’s Burgers” is a little awkward once you throw someone else into the mix.
71. Because we have our whole lives to be committed.