Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Let the Deployment Begin

The deployment actually began 38 hours ago, but who's counting?  These past few days have sent me on an extremely emotionally draining roller coaster that, let's be honest, I'm still on.  Let me start out by saying that the man who deployed is not my husband, finace, hell he isn't even my boyfriend, he's not family either.  The man who deployed is my ex-boyfriend of nearly 5 years and is to this day my best friend.  At first I felt like the weird attached ex-girlfriend because I know that's how some people see it.  Honestly though I don't really give a damn because he was my best friend before we dated, while we dated, and still is post-dating.  He is the one person in my life who has never judged me and knows absolutely everything about me good & bad.  With that being said you can feel however you want about how I am handling this deployment.  Without further ado the recap of the past few days of my roller coaster:

On Thursday night after work I drove the half hour to go see him and stay with him.  We hung out that night at the hotel they were all staying at and basically just relaxed and talked.  The emotions had started to set in but I held them back in order to be strong for him.

On Friday they all had to go do paper work and what not for a few hours so I just hung out at the hotel and waited around.  It was then that I initally lost it.  Luckily not while he was around but I lost it none the less.  I was able to compose myself and then when they got back we hung out a little while longer and then a few of us went to see the Hangover 2.  He then left to go hang out with his family for awhile so I went back home.  I then again lost it for my half hour drive back home.

On Saturday he had his deployment ceremony.  I was able to keep it together for most of it.  I cried a little off & on but didn't really let myself cry.  I also thought that I would be seeing him later that night as we had loose plans to see each other.  Well he ended up making other plans so we did not see each other which caused a mini fight and for me to actually lose it and start bawling my eyes out...multiple times.

Then yesterday, at 10 am, they left for Fort McCoy in Wisconsin for about 2 months.  The second I got there and saw him I started bawling.  I then randomly got teary for the hour I was there before they actually loaded up & left.  It wasn't until I got to my car and called my friend that I completely lost it and then bawled to her my whole drive home.  Due to all of the crying and the emotional draining few days I was ridiculously tired.  I ended up taking a 2 hour nap that day & then sleeping for 10.5 hours, which for me is a really long time.

Today was really no better.  All I've wanted to do all day is just sleep.  I took another 45 minute nap today but luckily work kept me out of bed.  I need a life and fast because I know it's only day one but this deployment is already kicking my ass.  All I want to do is sleep all the time, I haven't been hungry at all, and I just randomly want to cry.  I'm sure I'm not a blas to be around either since I'm on edge around everyone and don't really want to talk about it.  I'm nervous to see my friend tomorrow because while I know she means well she asks the dumbest questions... like the day before he left "is he sad?" "are you sad?"  It was through text so I just didn't respond because the sarcastic bitch in me just wanted to be like "no we're both jumping for fucking joy!"  please excuse the language.

I also feel as if I'm slightly being a baby about this because he is only a state away for the next 2 months and he does have his cell phone still for those 2 months.  And also because we've already done 4 months, without cell phones, when we were actually dating...

Fingers crossed this gets easier fast & that I can gain some coping skills now because when he actually leaves in a couple months I feel like it's going to be just as bad if not worse...

Here are some pics from his ceremony (first 4) & the day he left (last 4):

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