Let the Deployment Begin

The deployment actually began 38 hours ago, but who's counting?  These past few days have sent me on an extremely emotionally draining roller coaster that, let's be honest, I'm still on.  Let me start out by saying that the man who deployed is not my husband, finace, hell he isn't even my boyfriend, he's not family either.  The man who deployed is my ex-boyfriend of nearly 5 years and is to this day my best friend.  At first I felt like the weird attached ex-girlfriend because I know that's how some people see it.  Honestly though I don't really give a damn because he was my best friend before we dated, while we dated, and still is post-dating.  He is the one person in my life who has never judged me and knows absolutely everything about me good & bad.  With that being said you can feel however you want about how I am handling this deployment.  Without further ado the recap of the past few days of my roller coaster:

On Thursday night after work I drove the half hour to go see him and stay with him.  We hung out that night at the hotel they were all staying at and basically just relaxed and talked.  The emotions had started to set in but I held them back in order to be strong for him.

On Friday they all had to go do paper work and what not for a few hours so I just hung out at the hotel and waited around.  It was then that I initally lost it.  Luckily not while he was around but I lost it none the less.  I was able to compose myself and then when they got back we hung out a little while longer and then a few of us went to see the Hangover 2.  He then left to go hang out with his family for awhile so I went back home.  I then again lost it for my half hour drive back home.

On Saturday he had his deployment ceremony.  I was able to keep it together for most of it.  I cried a little off & on but didn't really let myself cry.  I also thought that I would be seeing him later that night as we had loose plans to see each other.  Well he ended up making other plans so we did not see each other which caused a mini fight and for me to actually lose it and start bawling my eyes out...multiple times.

Then yesterday, at 10 am, they left for Fort McCoy in Wisconsin for about 2 months.  The second I got there and saw him I started bawling.  I then randomly got teary for the hour I was there before they actually loaded up & left.  It wasn't until I got to my car and called my friend that I completely lost it and then bawled to her my whole drive home.  Due to all of the crying and the emotional draining few days I was ridiculously tired.  I ended up taking a 2 hour nap that day & then sleeping for 10.5 hours, which for me is a really long time.

Today was really no better.  All I've wanted to do all day is just sleep.  I took another 45 minute nap today but luckily work kept me out of bed.  I need a life and fast because I know it's only day one but this deployment is already kicking my ass.  All I want to do is sleep all the time, I haven't been hungry at all, and I just randomly want to cry.  I'm sure I'm not a blas to be around either since I'm on edge around everyone and don't really want to talk about it.  I'm nervous to see my friend tomorrow because while I know she means well she asks the dumbest questions... like the day before he left "is he sad?" "are you sad?"  It was through text so I just didn't respond because the sarcastic bitch in me just wanted to be like "no we're both jumping for fucking joy!"  please excuse the language.

I also feel as if I'm slightly being a baby about this because he is only a state away for the next 2 months and he does have his cell phone still for those 2 months.  And also because we've already done 4 months, without cell phones, when we were actually dating...

Fingers crossed this gets easier fast & that I can gain some coping skills now because when he actually leaves in a couple months I feel like it's going to be just as bad if not worse...

Here are some pics from his ceremony (first 4) & the day he left (last 4):

Let the Journey Begin

Today is essentially the first day of what I am considering Branden's deployment.  That day is technically still 2.5 weeks away but he left for AT today which lasts 2 weeks and then he has 2-3 days home before his deployment begins.  If you had asked me a year ago, or even 7 months ago, I wouldn't have thought that I was going to be going through this deployment as a best friend but rather as a girlfriend.  I'm not going to lie when I say part of me is glad that I'm just the best friend.  Don't get me wrong I would have whole heartedly stuck by his side and endured it but from where I'm sitting right now it seems easier as the friend.  Or maybe that's because it hasn't really sunk it yet?  Who knows.  I'll let you know in 2.5 weeks how I'm feeling.  I'm not crying yet, although I have, but that could be because I know that I still get to see him at least once more before he leaves.  Not only is Branden deploying but so are 3 guys that I graduated with and one of my friends' husband.  I'm glad that at least they will be together.

This is going to be quite the year coming up and I'm so excited and nervous for it.  It will be my first real experience with someone really close to me deploying...even if I am just a friend, a year from now I will have graduated college, I'm going to be living back with my parents for most of the next year, & I just started a new job.  I'm even going to attempt keeping a hand written journal again since it's one of my 101 goals.  So here's to hoping that I have much more to update all of you on this year & that this upcoming year will have many more exciting posts than in the past.

Hello 2011

Well it's officially 2011, and has been for about 12 hours now.  I'm both nervous and excited to see what this year is going to bring me.  Normally I'm never too worried about it, nor do I even give it that much thought, but this year just seems different. 

I'm single now for the first time in basically 5 years while all of the rest of my friends are now leaving the single scene and those who already weren't single are starting to get really serious (i.e. engaged, moving in together, kids). 

I'm moving back in with my parents in May.  While I go home a lot, this will be the first time I've actually lived there since I started college 4 years ago.  I continue to have mixed feelings about this as I love my family & am excited for that aspect.  I'm also excited to live in a small town again, and of course for the money I'll be saving.  But at the same time I'll be leaving this whole new life I've created behind.  Oh well it had to come at some point.  If I had never changed my major I would have been graduating in May anyway which means I would have been leaving anway.

Branden is deploying sometime in the spring.  While we're not together, nor will be probably ever get back together, he is still one of my best friends and both has been and continues to be such a big part of my life, I am not looking forward to this deployment at all.

Basically at midnight, when my roommate, who had said originally would go out for a girls night on NYE, was making out with a guy who is "not" her boyfriend but might as well be, I was about ready to give 2011 the big middle finger.  I'm not gonna lie looking ahead the year still isn't looking all that swell.  But hey, who knows, this year could be the greatest one yet, doubtful, but it could be.  I'm not going to totally cross 2011 off just yest but I am definitely going to be keeping a close eye on it and what it has in store for me.

What Am I Going To Do?

What am I going to do when he's gone for a whole 12+ months? Two weeks should be nothing. It's not like we haven't done this before. Heck we've done months. But here I sit, him not even gone yet, on the verge of tears. For those of you who don't know Branden is in the National Guard and Saturday he leaves for his two weeks of AT. Of course it doesn't help that it's that time of the month but hey I'm gonna have at least 12 of those times when he really leaves next year. It also doesn't help that I want to be spending the night with him but I'm not because his room is a billion degrees, he doesn't sleep well when I spend the night cause his beds not all the big & I like to take up most of if, and we both have to work in the morning. So instead I'm lying awake in my own bed, when I should be packing, crying like a baby over 2 stupid weeks. We'll get to talk to so it's not like there won't be any communication. I feel completely ridiculous right now. UGH.

As Days Go By

I cannot believe how fast this summer is going. I started classes again on the 17th. It's actually going a lot better than I thought it would. It's American Indians in the Curriculum. In all honesty I did not go into it with good expectations. First of all it's an ethnic studies class. That may sound bad just as a simple statement but every ethnic studies class I have taken has basically been a "white people suck" class. This class is nothing like that and has been really intersting so far. Second of all it's 3 hours a day Monday-Friday. I do not do well sitting in long classes. I can barely hold my attention for an hour somedays. This class just seems to fly by though and before I know it it's noon and time to go. There are only 2 more weeks left of this class and then I will be starting 3 more classes. One is online however. I am hoping that those go as smoothly as this one is.

This month has been pure busyness. June is only going to get worse. The first week of May was spent in finals for spring semester. I then had ten days "off" before starting my intersession class. In those ten days I went back to my parents' for Mother's day weekend, had one of Branden's softball games, a friend graduated from college, went to the Brooks & Dunn concert, and had a bachlorette party to attend. Now my first week of classes is done & I am currently back at my parents' for the weekend again. This coming week will be class and work every single day of the week. While I am glad that I have a ton of stuff to do this summer, I am not a fan at how fast it is going by.

An article also hit our local newspaper about the upcoming deployment for Minnesota National Guard soldiers. Branden's unit wasn't listed in the paper but the list is not complete yet. During his drill this month they were told that within the next couple months they would know more specifics such as when and where. Here is the article if any of you are interested. 2,700 from Minnesota to Deploy. I feel that I have remained fairly calm thus far. I hadn't really let it get to me or hit me and did/do not intend to until he does know a more specific when/where. The article in the paper made it more realistic to me but seeing as it could be as far as a year a way I do not want to dwell on it any longer than I have to.

Pre-Deployment Dreams

It is far too early for me to be worrying and I am well aware of that. Now that Branden is within the one year mark in his deployment timeline, they basically told them sometime between now & April 2011, I get more & more wound up about it each day. It finally hit me today because he has drill this weekend & I feel like it's going to be happening soon. They are normally in one location for Saturday/Sunday each month but the past two months they have gone to a bigger location where more of the guys can train together & they have been going Fridays-Sundays. They have also been doing more than they normally do at drill like they are finally starting to prepare for the deployment. Two more reasons that I feel it is coming soon is because my cousin, who is in a different unit but still in the MN NG, has a date of this coming August. The other is that my friend's fiance who is in the same unit as Branden was switched to a different job a couple months back to start gathering records of the members so that it is known who is deployment ready and such.

I know it could still be a year away & that I shouldn't really worry until I know for sure & it is actually close but I cannot help it. We haven't had a separation since he went to OSUT in Oct 2007 - Feb 2008. Even then we had a month in the middle where he got to come home for Christmas. I know we can do it I'm just nervous to be apart for a whole year.

Things I am looking forward to:
Care Packages
Letters
The Feeling of hearing his voice for the first time after a long time without.

Only A Year And A Half To Go

I graduate in 625 days which is really beginning to terrify me. I am so excited & so nervous at the same time. I have so many things to figure out before graduation & of course after. Plus I feel like my life is going faster & faster. The first 3 years flew by so why should the last 1.5 be any different?? Especially with all that is going on. I essentially only have 20 months left until graduation which may seem like a long time but it's really not.

APRIL 2010 (20 months to go)
I finish my spring semester at the end of this month. That marks 3 years down. Absolutely insane. Plus this weekend is Easter, next weekend I am either going up north with my roommate to visit a friend if not I am hoping Branden & I will be able to cross of one of the million things on our summer to do list. I work the following weekend & then the last weekend Branden & I are going to the zoo. I should also study for finals sometime that weekend. Goodbye April.

MAY 2010 - AUGUST 2010 (16 months to go)
Even though summer hasn't even started mine is already filled. I finish spring semester at the end of this month & then will be taking summer classes May 17-August 6. I will only actually have seat time from May 17-July 9 because one is an online class but still. Fall semester starts August 23rd by the way so that's how big my summer break will be... Plus I have a college graduation, high school graduation, high school graduation party, 2 weddings, a trip to Vegas, a family reunion, I work every other weekend, & Branden & I would like to fit as many things as possible in this summer from our to do list & I try to go home at least once a month. Goodbye summer.

SEPTEMBER 2010 - DECEMBER 2010 (12 months to go)
Somewhere in here I will need to register for my student teaching. That means I need to decide where I will be living the following year. Do I want to stay in St. Cloud or do I want to move back to Mora?

I currently live with 3 other girls & pay basically $275/mo to live here. We all graduate in Dec. 2011 so that means we'd have to find subleasers for Jan-May ... or stay here I suppose but I know for sure that one girls won't even be signing for that lease & I have serious doubts about another girl. That would leave me & one other girl to find strangers or move away from campus which means more $$. Also the place that I work at is only open until 9 which means depending on where I get placed I will hardly ever be able to work. However, all of my friends will be somewhere in St. Cloud & Mora is an hour away (Branden may or may not be deployed at this time). Plus there are more schools within an hour of St. Cloud to be placed in.

If I move to Mora I will basically be rent free. I would try to help my parents out with groceries as much as possible as well as cleaning. So that means even if I am not able to work a ton it won't matter as much because I'll be saving around $275 a month. Most likely more because I wouldn't be going out to eat/to the bar all the time with my friends if I was an hour away. However, I would have to get a new job which may or may not be a challenge. If I could go back to the video store that I worked at it wouldn't be a big deal & they are open later so I could actually work somedays after teaching instead of just on the weekends.

Also that month I will have to decide if I want to do all of my student teaching in MN or if I want to some out of state/out of the country. If I choose to do that I will most definitely be moving back to Mora because I would be gone for about 2.5 months & there is no sense in paying for an apartment that I would be living in for at most 4.5 months.

Oh I will be taking all history classes this semester so I will most likely end up hating my life before the semester is over. Also during this time I will still be working every other weekend & as of right now know of 1 wedding & a few family birthday parties. Plus in this semester it's my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, & Christmas. Goodbye fall semester.

January 2011 - April 2011 (8 months to go)
If I were the typical 4 year student this would be my last semester. However, I changed my major, added a minor, dropped the minor, & had to/chose to re-take a few classes. This semester will be all of my theory type classes. I'm also pretty sure I have some type of classroom experience this semester. I really hope so because the two I've had up until the point sucked & all I really learned was what not to do. The first one wasn't even with a teacher I just had a small group of kids in a library with one other girl & taught them about weather. If he hasn't already, or unless the military just flat out changes their mind, Branden will be deploying during this time to Afghanistan. It will also be our last spring break so my roommates & I talked a little about maybe going somewhere warm & sunny since none of us ever have done the "typical" college spring break. Meagan & Heather have never gone anywhere for spring break, Kayla went to DC once, & I went to Missouri twice. Even though they will technically be in the first week of May, this will be my last set of actual college classes & finals! That's pretty exciting. Goodbye spring semester.

MAY 2011 - AUGUST 2011 (4 months to go)
I am thinking I may have to take a summer class, unless I move back to Mora that is. The reason I say that, & I know it's bad, but I need the class so that I can get financial aid just so I can have money to survive during the summer. I really don't make enough without it to pay for my car, rent, & food. I'm thinking if I do, & as long as I would have enough to cover my expenses & the class I want to do a 2 week study abroad class. There are two that I am interested in. One would cover a class in the Travel & Tourism major which I have considered multiple times lately. So that way not only would it be a fun experience, if I ever chose to come back for that major I'd already have one class out of the way. If I do end up moving back to Mora & don't take a summer class I will just be working my ass of to save up money incase I can't work a ton during my student teaching since we're supposedly not suppose to at all. Well I'm sorry but some of us have to survive still & have bills to pay. If I didn't work at all during my student teaching I would miss at least 4 months worth of car payments & insurance payments, plust I wouldn't be able to afford the gas to drive to the school, nor would I be able to do ANYTHING. I will be having a job, sorry St. Cloud State. It would be even worse if I end up staying in St. Cloud & didn't have a job because then I also couldn't pay rent & utilities. Should I choose to move back to my parents' house I will be moving sometime at the end of May. Goodbye summer.

SEPTEMBER 2011 - DECEMBER 2011 (ALL DONE)
I will officially be student teaching. I am already scared shitless. I know I need someone there to watch me so that they can tell me what I am doing right or wrong & so that I can be evaluated... but I do NOT work well that way, at any job. I do so much better when I'm not being watched & don't feel like I'm being judged. When people are watching me I just feel like I suck all the time. It is for this reason that I am glad that I can't be placed in my high school or any school where I know/am related to a worker. I do even worse when I really know the person. I feel like I am letting them down or they are just like WTF. I don't know why I feel this way because my parents were NEVER like that. They've always told me that I am too hard on myself & have supported me through absolutely everything even if I didn't always make the wisest choices. GOODBYE COLLEGE!

Anyway, so there's my college countdown & freak out. Be glad that my original post from a few days ago got deleted because i had it broken down monthly instead of every 4 months. Talk about a long & boring read.