When One Door Closes

 I didn't mean to disappear for a month again.  I actually even printed out a whole calendar with post ideas.  I was going to post about my trip to Fort Worth.  I was going to post about my friend coming to visit me in Houston.  I was going to write about weekly recaps.  I was inspired by Megan to keep it real & was going to write about weekly feelings.  I was going to participate in more link-ups.  But I was too tired after the first trip, & then my friend came to visit just a few days later, & then I felt behind, & then life happened, & now here we are.

A lot of people hate on 2020.  I had my fair shares of highs & lows in 2020.  But that's most years.  I know we're only 4.5 months in so there's still a lot to be seen for 2021, but I'd say so far 2021 has been a lot more challenging for me than 2020 was.  Not necessarily in bad ways, but definitely in big ways.

I wrote the following last night on notebook paper because I just needed to get my thoughts out.  But then I decided to put it here because a)keeping it real & b)one day I want to be able to look back & holding onto a notebook for forever isn't likely to happen.  So if you make it all the way through, shout out.  If not, that's totally ok.  It was a handful of pages & I don't expect anyone else to make it through my ramblings.

In 24 days I'm leaving Texas & this time I'm not coming back.  After 9.5 years I'm moving back to Minnesota.  I miss my family.  I miss my friends.  I need my support system.  Two years ago I was so ready to go home.  I tried my hardest, at the last minute, to get a teaching job.  I didn't & so I returned to Texas.  4 days later I met Danny & my life got flipped upside down.  I ignored every red flag, fell in love, changed my plans, & lost myself.  Almost 16 weeks ago to the day I left Danny & flipped the direction my life was heading yet again.  I tried finding me again.  I focused on myself, my friends, Nash.  I decided it was now or probably never & it was time to go back to MN.  I'm ready.  It's what I want.  It's what I need.  But as it gets closer I'm also getting sad.  I've only ever been an adult in Texas.  I've made a decade of memories, dozens of friends, & my own life here.  But at the end of the day I'm holding on because it's familiar & even though I spent my first 23 years in MN, moving back is new, different, & scary.

Yesterday I resigned from my job.  I have no job lined up.  I've had 2 interviews & didn't get either job.  I have another interview on Wednesday & I'm not giving up just yet.  However I can't help but think that maybe this is my sign.  I've thought about quitting teaching since my first year.  Hell, I actually almost changed my major about a year before I graduated.  I am torn between excitement & terror.  I know deep down I'm only applying to teaching jobs because it's safe.  I don't want to be a teacher.  It doesn't bring me joy.  I love the kids, but it doesn't make me happy.  I want to do something else.  I want to do something that gives me freedom.  I want to do something that lets me be creative.  I want to do something that allows me to work remotely.  At least part of the time.  I got my TX real estate license.  I'm working on my MN real estate license.  I signed up for classes to help me start my own virtual assistant career.  But at the end of the day I don't know that I'm sold on either.  

I'm 32 & have no idea what I want to do when I grow up.  And in 24 days I don't have a job.  And approximately 2.5-3 months later unless I figure it out I also no longer have an income.  I am both terrified & excited.  I know it's going to work out but I need to figure it out.  I have left 4 out of my 5 school districts with no other job lined up.  It has worked out one way or another every single time.  But I'm still at such a turning point in my life right now, closing some pretty big chapters, & I just wish I knew where to turn next & where to start looking.

I just want to be happy & not look back thinking I wasted my life doing things that I didn't love & made me unhappy more than happy just to survive day to day.  My anxiety is at an all time high again.  So much so that last week I found myself back in the ER again because my blood pressure was high again & I'm back on meds again.  I don't want to wish the next 3.5 weeks away.  I need that time.  I still have people I need to see.  But I also desperately need to be with my family again.  I also need to figure out my next move.  How does one figure out what they want to do with their life when they're pretty sure the job might not even exist, & even if it does it's definitely not conventional.

The silver lining: not only is the sky the limit at this point, but I only have 13.5 days left at my fake & toxic workplace!  When one door closes right?